¶ Batman
(male narrator) Gotham City on a pleasant morning.
And in one of its most exclusive fur salons
elegant ladies shop with doting husbands.
This is just too spotty. What an elegant coat.
And a magnificent color.
Darling, what do you think?
If you like it, darling, it's all yours.
Oh, you're a dream. I just love it.
Alright, everybody, stand still and no one will be injured!
This is a stickup!
Get out of here.
Who are you anyhow?
Your friendly neighborhood holdup man
at your service, sir.
What is this? A vulgar joke?
Ah, yes. But the joke is on you, my good fellow.
And there's nothing vulgar about half a million in furs.
[Joker laughing]
I do believe it's that arch criminal The Joker.
Ladies and gentlemen, my staff of felonious furriers.
[women screaming]
Alright, everybody, to the center of the room.
Come, come, come.
A joke. What are more mink skins used for than anything else?
To hold minks together.
[Joker laughing]
[gasps] Mr. and Mrs. Prescott Belmont
of the banking Belmonts I believe.
Oh, what lovely jewels, Mrs. Belmont.
And what a stunning coat.
Well, thank heavens we haven't bought it yet.
Uh, closer. Closer, everyone. Closer, closer.
I want a tight little group.
Alright, staff, get ready.
- Take aim! - No.
They're gonna shoot us down like cattle.
Why, you filthy cad!
Fire!
[gunshots]
[all screaming]
[screaming continues]
[Joker laughing]
[screaming continues]
And now, Mrs. Belmont, if you please.
[crackling]
[Joker laughing]
Oh, thank you, dear lady.
I'm all stuck up.
But of course, I said this is a stickup. Ha ha ha.
And now to all, farewell.
Staff, let us away.
[woman screaming]
A hairpin?
First we get a report that he's
stolen a hole from a golf green.
And now a hairpin?
What is The Joker up to?
About to start on another series of his
dastardly crimes, I'll wager.
- Then we'd better not delay. - Right.
For there's no one else who can cope
with the capers of that devilish clown.
Right, Chief O'Hara.
Though we may never know who he is behind his mask
thank goodness he's there when a crisis befalls us.
[intense music]
And in Wayne Manor, stately home of millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward Dick Grayson.
[beeping]
I'll solicit his presence, sir.
But it's so much harder with the pieces upside down, Bruce.
Of course.
But think of what excellent training
it is for your visual memory.
Gosh, yes, I guess that's true.
- Excuse me, sir. - Yes.
It's the Bat-phone.
Oh, boy, let's go!
Well, where are they off to now?
Eh?
I just brought them a little snack.
A call I believe, madam
from Mr. Wayne's sporting goods supply.
A superior new design of, uh, binoculars has just arrived.
For their bird-watching.
- Yes, commissioner. - 'Dire news, Batman.'
- 'It's The Joker again.' - We'll be right there.
To the Bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[intense music]
Atomic batteries to power.
- Turbines to speed. - Roger. Ready to move out.
[tires screeching]
[theme music]
[whooshing]
[music continues]
[tires screeching]
[music continues]
[tires screeching]
It arrived while you were on the way here, Batman.
Timed perfectly.
Then we'll proceed with extreme care.
[rustling]
[intense music]
Robin.
Chief, commissioner, stand back, please.
[intense music]
[explosion]
[intense music]
- Holy jack in the box! - Saints alive.
Strange, but..
...harmless.
[hissing]
A small recording machine with a tape on it.
(Robin) 'Play it, Batman.'
(Joker on recorder) 'Good evening, commissioner.'
'I assume Batman is there by now'
'so give him my regards, will you? Ha ha ha.'
'Oh, by the way, did you hear what the maid said'
'when the duchess asked if she'd given the goldfish'
'fresh water that morning?'
'No, Your Highness. He hasn't yet used what he had yesterday.'
[Joker laughing on recorder]
Not a very funny joke I'd say.
The Joker's never are...in the end.
Do you suppose any of this could mean anything?
Possibly. But not what it seems to mean.
That's the key to The Joker's twisted mind.
But why? It-it's not like The Joker to help us catch him.
It could be a trap.
Why would he want a hole
from a golf course?
The golf course! Of course!
"His Highness, the Maharajah of Nimpah
"arrived in Gotham City today and he's so rich
he plays golf with jewel inlaid solid gold clubs."
That's it, Batman! The Joke on the tape!
His Highness and the golden goldfish.
And he's scheduled to play in one hour
at the Winnie Coto Country Club.
- Where he stole the hole. - Let's go.
Be careful, Batman. Be careful.
[tires screeching]
[theme music]
While at the exclusive Winnie Coto Country Club
a sinister figure looms above the fairway.
It's Batman.
Crime is certainly rampant these days.
Batman!
- Batman I presume. - Correct.
I'm Prescott Belmont, president of the club here.
Got your message. I'll be glad to assist you in any way.
Good. There could be more foul play here today.
Has the Maharajah of Nimpah begun his round?
Not five minutes ago with His Honor the Mayor.
They're still on the first hole.
Is there some vantage point overlooking the course?
Any place where we won't be conspicuous.
The lower terrace.
Let's go.
[instrumental music]
(Batman) 'Odd.'
Everything looks serene.
Let me look.
Holy Taj Mahal!
Look at those jewel-studded golf clubs!
Yes.
That would be a rich prize for The Joker.
[music continues]
Very fine chip shot, Your Highness.
What's so fine? It should've been closer.
Yes, but the grass grows the wrong way, Your Highness.
Ah, if this were only Nimpahnese blue grass.
Out of my way, Your Highness.
Mr. Mayor, please don't putt while I'm talking.
Well, forgive me, Your Highness.
Alright, go ahead.
[snaps fingers]
[grunting]
[snaps fingers]
[taps]
[explosion]
[coughing]
Batman! Something is happening!
Looks like yellow gas.
[intense music]
It is gas.
Quick, to the Batmobile.
Sorry to be so abrupt. This could be an emergency.
[gasping]
[theme music]
Wait!
[intense music]
It's not just the clubs, they're stealing the maharajah.
Good heavens!
[intense music]
With a forklift.
Let's get going and make an emergency Bat-turn.
Not this time, old chum. Gotta think of the golfers.
The retro-rockets would burn up the course for a hundred yards.
[theme music]
[whooshing]
[tires screeching]
Holy tee shot! It's gone!
But where?
[theme music]
[intense music]
Holy shrinkage!
A trick of some sort, no doubt.
There's something inside.
We'll see.
It's a note.
"Batman, did you hear about the kid
"who wanted to sell his dog for $50,000?
"He got his price. Traded it for two $25,000 cats.
"But you can't make a deal like that for the maharajah
"because we've got plenty of cats already.
Don't call us, we'll call you."
- "Plenty of cats?" - Cats, cats and more cats!
It could be an old refinery Katz, Katz, Katz & Company.
It's been outta use for years, but it'd make a perfect hideout!
It sounds too simple.
Almost as if he wanted us
to solve it immediately.
- Gotta be on our guard, Batman. - Right. Let's go!
[intense music]
[theme music]
How right they are, for inside the seemingly innocent
old refinery The Joker and his crew prepare for company.
[Joker laughing]
Oh, my playful, pilfering pals
this is going to be delicious.
Bring the table in here quickly. Quickly.
Put it right in the center. Now get the chairs. Get the chairs.
One, one here, one over here, one there, one there, one there.
Quickly. Everything must be just right.
Now, how does that look, my pretty?
- Oh, perfect, Joker. - Ha ha ha.
Do you really think he'll come?
Ah, he'll be here, never fear. You mark my words.
Joker, why didn't you get me
something longer than this when you had the chance?
Oh, that's not my style, lovey.
Any common hoodlum can do that.
Oh ho, but never fear, my dear.
We'll buy you countless furs...and jewels.
Oh, gee, Joker, you're perfect.
- Yeah, practically. - 'Joker! Joker!'
He just parked his car up the street!
Excellent! Everybody, take your places.
And you stand out of harm's way, my dear.
There. Deal them out.
[dramatic music]
What will we do, Batman? Use the Bat-ropes?
Go in through the skylight?
Let's try the direct approach.
With his twisted mind, it could surprise him.
Strange. It's not locked.
[door creaking]
[creaking continues]
[intense music]
Holy spiderwebs.
A nest for rats.
[Joker laughing]
[intense music]
- Now. - We got you this time, Joker!
[clinks]
[Joker laughing]
Want to join the game, Batman and Boy Wonder?
You'd better hurry. It won't last long.
[Joker laughing]
(Robin) Holy looking glass!
A truck with folding mirrors on its sides.
No wonder it vanished.
Yes, with nothing but the green of the golf course
to reflect, it turned green too and seemed to disappear.
But we're on to your tricks, Joker.
You might as well..
[rustling]
[Joker laughing]
¶ Assemble now and intertwine ¶
¶ Neatly wrap these guests of mine ¶
[laughing]
¶ No more will they jeer and scoff ¶
¶ I cut their circulation off
[laughing]
¶ If they do not see the joke
¶ Pull in the ropes and let them choke ¶
[Joker laughing]
(Robin) Holy..
It's like being caught in a barrel of snakes!
Well, well, now I must say, this is an expected pleasure.
[Joker laughing]
You may have won the first round, Joker
but we don't give up.
[intense music]
Hmm, I've heard about Batman
but this is the first time I've ever met him.
And the last.
So that's your dirty game.
We might have known.
Why didn't we think about this?
- Think about it? - Yeah.
What's this? Have you gone soft, my little savage?
Well, I, uh, I-I bet he wouldn't
try to knock you off if he had the chance.
Oh, no, he'd merely try to incarcerate me
in durance vile for the rest of my life.
A fate much worse than death for a spirit such as mine.
Still...we might give them a sporting chance.
- Yeah. - Oh, no, boss.
We won't get another chance like this.
That's right. We've gotta get rid of him.
We owe it to the criminal world.
Well, we'll see. Bring them along. Come, come, come.
[Joker laughing]
And now, my Dynamic Duo
something I've been waiting to do for a long time.
[Joker laughing]
[buzzing]
There, my funny ray has neutralized
the gadgets in your utility belts for at least an hour.
[Joker laughing]
You're both good swimmers I hope.
Fair.
Then you can easily remain
afloat for an hour I presume?
If we weren't weighted down or something.
Boss, you let these guys escape
it'll be the mistake of your career.
- 'Yeah.' - 'You keep outta this.'
If he wants to give them a chance
that's his business.
Oh, well, perhaps they won't make it.
Gentlemen, step that way, please.
[Joker laughing]
This is delicious. Absolutely delicious.
[Joker laughing]
Enough, enough, enough. Out of my way.
I'll give you a few minutes to get out of these
before I start filling that.
And if you remain afloat for an hour, you go absolutely free.
Now what more could you ask?
I still suspect some trick.
Now, now, let's not be bitter.
I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt, Robin..
...until he proves otherwise.
- 'It's only fair.' - 'I suppose you're right.'
Of course, he's right.
Uh, gentlemen, be my guests..
[intense music]
Would you?
[Joker laughing]
Come, my darling.
- Holy smokestack. - 'What a spot to get out of?'
(Joker on speaker) 'Right, Batman.'
'There are only two ways to get outta there.'
'One, I let you out'
'and two, you jump 50 feet straight up.'
[Joker laughing on speaker]
You still intend to free us if we can stay afloat for an hour?
Oh, dear me.
Surely you don't think I'd joke about
such a serious matter as that, do you?
[laughing] No.
Oh, time to start filling the tank.
[intense music]
(Batman) 'But that's gas.'
(Joker on speaker) 'I do believe you're right.'
[Joker laughing on speaker]
(Joker) 'But then who said anything about water?'
[Joker laughing on speaker]
- But you can't float in gas! - No.
But you can drown in it.
[Joker laughing]
Oh, Joker, that's a dirty trick.
Oh, forget it, Jill.
You didn't really think I was gonna pass up a chance like this
did you, my peerless pair?
(Joker on speaker) 'Play traitor to all my principles and friends?'
'Oh ho ho, no.'
[Joker laughing on speaker]
Ah, but one last word of advice
don't stir it up.
Too narrow in here to use the Bat-rope.
There's nothing for them to catch on.
And he's neutralized the rest of the stuff in the utility belt.
What are we going to do?
Unless there's someone to help us..
...I don't know.
But help from where?
Not The Joker, certainly!
[intense music]
[Joker laughing]
And no one else knows where they are.
Is this The Joker's crowning jest?
Find out tomorrow night
same time, same channel.
But be prepared, no help is likely to come.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
[music continues]
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na
¶ Batman