¶ Batman
(male narrator) Gotham City, Woodrow Roosevelt High School.
3:09 p.m.
Normal healthy activity in the school gymnasium.
- You got it memorized? - I think so.
Okay, let's go.
And.
¶ Zing! Boom!
¶ Sis boom bah
¶ We're from Woodrow Roosevelt
¶ That's who we are
¶ Does anybody scare us?
¶ The answer is nix
¶ Come on team let's make it six ¶
Yeah!
[cheering]
Okay.
Gosh, Susie, terrific! Did you write it yourself?
Oh, heck no. Miss Browning, our poetry professor.
Let's take a break, gang. Anyone for a drink?
Me.
[coin clatters]
[coin jingling]
Holy cow! Look.
Silver dollars.
Let me try.
[coin jingling]
Hey, kids, everyone. Come one. It's Christmas.
Look.
[indistinct chatter]
Silver dollars.
A strange disturbing bonanza from a gimmick milk machine.
Either of you men fear what I fear?
The Joker?
Exactly, Chief O'Hara! The Joker.
That most pestilent of predators.
The Clown Prince Of Crime.
This smells like an opening gambit of his.
That devil!
- But how can we be sure? - We can't. Not yet.
But if it's The Joker we're facing
then his plot is aimed at Gotham City youth.
We can't wait to be sure.
Now this if there ever was one is a case
for our unknown friend behind the mask.
[beeping]
And in Wayne Manor, stately residents of millionaire
socialite Bruce Wayne and his young wardDick Grayson
whom we just saw at school.
[beeping]
Please, Bruce, I beg you. Accept the proposal.
Run for mayor.
It's funny.
They come to you with the same offer every two years.
You'd think they'd get it through their heads
you're not interested.
I'm afraid she's right, Mr. Vandergilt.
You see the good works of my Wayne Foundation
require that I stay above the brawl of politics.
But Gotham City needs you.
Think of our problems.
The snarl of traffic. A water shortage.
And now these recurrent power failures.
(Mr. Vandergilt) 'How can you turn this down?'
Ahem!
(Aunt Harriet) 'What is it, Alfred?'
Nothing of importance, madam.
It's the Bat-phone, sir.
Thank you, Alfred, for reminding me.
I tell you what, Mr. Vandergilt.
I'll ponder it and give you my answer tomorrow.
Aunt Harriet, give Mr. Vandergilt
some more tea, will you?
He'll ponder it?
That's strange. What's he got to ponder?
Yes, commissioner.
(Gordon) 'Prepare yourself for a blow.'
Someone has struck in Woodrow Roosevelt High.
We think it's The Joker.
Good grief! I'm on my way.
Dick's in the thick of this already.
If he calls, tell him to stay where he is.
- Very good, sir. - The switch, Alfred.
Good luck, sir.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Nana nana nana nana nana nana nana na ¶
¶ Batman
[tires screeching]
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
[dramatic music]
Looks sinister, doesn't it?
Joker released from jail one week ago
immediately buys control
of One-Armed Bandit Novelty Company.
Makers of coin operated gadgets.
Gum machines, pin balls, that sort of harmless junk.
There's nothing harmless about The Joker, we all know that.
Or about a machine which returns 20 silver dollars for a dime.
What about the men who install the machine and service it?
Clean as driven snow, Batman.
And they're even more surprised than we are.
Ah, it's open and shut.
Somebody got to that poor innocent machine
and gimmicked it.
But why? In the devil's name, why?
I can make a guess.
[buzzing]
Yes.
Oh, thank you, Bonnie. Put him on the conference phone.
It's Principal Schoolfield. Woodrow Roosevelt High.
(Principal Schoolfield) 'Commissioner Gordon?'
Speaking.
Another machine has gone mad.
In the library.
Instead of candy bars
it's dispensing negotiable stocks and bonds.
'To put it mildly, student morale is cracking up.'
Schoolfield, this is Batman here.
Do you hear me?
'Ah, yes, hello, Batman.'
Who's the president of your student council?
A boy named Grayson. Uh, Richard Grayson.
'A fine lad.'
I'm glad to hear it.
Have him call a meeting in your office
I'll be right there.
I'll have him waiting for you.
Goodbye.
- I think my guess was right. - What, Batman?
No time to lose.
Chief O'Hara, get me a visual ID file on The Joker.
- Meet me at the Batmobile. - Yes, sir.
I mean, like, look, Dicky.
So everyone's goofing off.
- So why shouldn't they? - It's quite true.
The purpose of our studies is to equip us
to make our way in life.
If on the other hand
one has merely to insert a dime in a machine--
He's right. Why go through all that studying?
Cryin' out loud! I'm surprised at you guys.
We're meant to be student leaders.
Susie, what do you say?
I say, has anyone tried
Mr. Schoolfield's coffee machine?
[chuckles] Hey, not bad for old Schoolfield.
Quarters! Look.
Hey, not bad, eh?
- How about that? - Wise up, you guys.
Life isn't this easy.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
You're the ward of that rich millionaire.
That has nothing to do with it.
Hey, Gray, cut it out. Here comes Batman.
[instrumental music]
[indistinct chattering]
Sorry, kids. Stay back. Sorry, Robin isn't with me.
This Batmobile is filled with delicate anti-crime equipment.
You might set of the automatic anti-theft system.
Nobody closer than 50 feet, please.
Hey, Batman, where's Robin?
(Batman) 'Attending school. Just as you are.'
- What school? - I can't tell you that.
It might reveal his secret true identity.
Now, listen, if anyone hears a sharp beep
'let me know at once.'
It'll be the Bat-phone ring with an important message.
And even as Batman races into the school
across town in a fashionable little bistro.
[dramatic music]
(The Joker) 'Ha ha ha, the joke's on you, my cherry booze hounds.'
'It's a stick up!'
'Hands up, you coward.'
'Thanks, folks. The party will now resume.'
Believe me, this may look like a party but it's not.
There's a crook behind these handouts.
- What's his angle? - He may have several.
One is to lure you
into a receptive pattern of easy living.
You'll quit your studies, become dropouts.
You'll have no other recourse but to join criminal groups.
Batman's right. It's sort of...recruiting drive.
Sure, he's right. What did I tell you?
Can you corroborate this odd hypothesis?
Yeah, Batman, like, what's the crook's name?
I can do better than that. I can show you his picture.
- What's your name, son? - Richard Grayson, sir?
'Thank you, Richard.'
You darken the room, I'll man the projector.
Roger.
Here it is, everybody, The Joker.
(Batman) 'Don't be deceived by that grin, anyone.'
'He's one of the most malevolent malefactors we've ever met.'
I'll bet he's a master of makeup too.
You're right. He is.
He might be skulking around here
in any one of 50 outrageous outfits.
For example, here's another one.
'A little closer, kids.'
'I want you to see that phony flower in his button hole.'
Sometimes it shoots out water.
Sometimes powder.
'Other times, knock-out gas.'
Hey!
Holy magician!
[laughing]
Hello, kiddies, meet The Joker.
And no hard feelings.
[buzzes] Ow!
Corny, aren't I?
Joker, what are you doing here?
Oh, just passing by. I heard my name
and I couldn't resist shooting a jolly jet
through the tiny perforation in that screen.
Just passing by, huh? To do what?
Gimmick another innocent vending machine?
Oh, there must be bats in your belfry, Batman.
Has anyone found fingerprints or other evidence?
You're too smart for that, Joker.
Hey, Batman, nab him anyway.
Loitering on school property.
Right. $5000 fine and five years imprisonment.
Ha ha! No.
Wrong, kiddies.
Look up the statute.
In Gotham City, the crime of loitering requires the loiterer
to remain in the same spot for over two minutes.
You.. You jailhouse lawyer!
A tricky trickster! He's outwittin' us.
Oh, dear me!
The court jester must run. Jest in time.
[laughing]
Well, goodbye, kiddies. And remember
I was here, eh!
What an odd parting remark.
Yeah, why does he want us to remember he was here?
From the lips of a crook, it can mean only one thing.
Establishing an alibi.
Right.
Gee whiz! Alibi for what?
[phone beeping]
The Bat-phone signal.
- Batman! - Hey, Batman!
(female #1) 'It's your Bat-phone.'
(female #2) 'The Bat-phone, Batman!'
[beeping]
What now, commissioner?
Another strike. A cocktail lounge.
A gimmick jukebox. It must be The Joker.
We'll never make it stick. He has an alibi.
- 'Maybe we can bring him.' - Impossible, the alibi is me.
- What? You? - Forget it.
Give me the address. I'll race to the scene of the crime.
Right. Goodbye.
(Grayson) 'Batman, sir.'
You forgot your box of slides.
Good, lad. Bring it over.
Fake a headache, speed home
wait for me in the Bat-cave.
You're welcome, sir.
Boys and girls, go back to your studies.
'Believe me, nothing in life is free!'
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
Scarcely, 500 yards away
behind this innocent seeming candy store
an abandoned garage, now headquarters of The Joker
and his current gang, the Bad Pennies.
High school dropouts, most of them.
It's a pretty good haul, isn't it?
Peanuts, my boy, mere peanuts.
That bar job was just a pot boiling appetizer
for the real feast.
Oh-ho-ho! What an inspired stroke of mind
buying up the One-Armed Bandit Novelty Company.
Plunder by remote control.
Hey, Joker, I think I got this one rigged.
Come and have a look.
- Put it all away. - Right.
Set to go off on the third strike?
Yeah, and I got two strikes rung up already.
Ho-ho! Here we go!
Sensational! It's a gas!
Oh, you won't be caught smoking a bar.
It'll be your knock-out stuff.
You've done it again, Two Bits.
Thank-- [buzzes]
A timed reminder, crime can be shocking.
[signal beeps]
Someone's trying the bubblegum machine.
Hiya, gang!
Sweet Sue, shiniest of my Bad Pennies.
Boy, Joker, you sure are some card.
Popping out at school like that at Batman.
Wondrously whimsical, wasn't it?
It was real crazy if you ask me.
I might have fainted and given the whole game away.
However, you didn't.
Ah, I see you have this stuff.
- Of course. - Any trouble getting it?
Heck no. Like I told you
being chief cheerleader puts me on the student council.
Once you're on that, you can get away with anything.
Let's see.
Hands off. Not until I get paid.
Trusting little wench, aren't you?
I'm a crook, Joker, just like you.
Now where's the payoff?
Oh!
Hiya there, lamb chop, you busy tonight?
You lowlife, get away from me.
Now, look here, baby, I have plans--
Are you stupid or something?
The reason I've taken up crime
is so I can get a taste of the finer things in life.
- Yeah-- - Now beat it!
Uh-oh.
- Shut your eyes, Sweet Susie. - Oh, yeah?
And get an exploding cigar in my ears?
No, thanks.
You mischievous varmint, shut your eyes, I said.
Rhinestone bracelet.
A fox fur stole..
...and one full quart of imported Mexican perfume.
Oh, gee, Joker.
I'm sorry I sassed you.
Why, this is like some lovely dream.
Ah! Perfect!
Stolen right from Schoolfield's safe.
The key card to my malevolent machination.
But what is it, Joker?
Look, you boobs. Look and laugh.
Examination papers.
[all laughing]
X plus Y
times X plus Y..
Holy alphabet, what is it?
If you'll excuse me, Master Robin.
Yes, Alfred?
The solution is X squared plus 2XY
plus Y squared.
Gee, sure! Why didn't I know that?
And with nationwide pre-college exams coming up
in just three days.
[tires screeching]
Good to have you home.
- What'd you find out, Batman? - Nothing.
Holy vacuum, not a single clue?
We don't need clues, Robin.
We know our man is The Joker.
What we need is evidence.
I went over that looted lounge with a fine toothed comb
I didn't even find a single hair to analyze.
Gosh.
And school morale in a tailspin.
Come a month from now, there'll be dropouts by the bushel.
- 'If he waits that long.' - Huh?
I didn't want to cause panic at the student meeting.
But I think The Joker has some other dirty plan afoot as well.
- Like what? - 'I don't know.'
But I think it involves gimmicked machines
and Woodrow Roosevelt High.
Gee, if we just knew how he gets in to fix them.
You've guessed it, Robin. Our next move.
- Stake out the school. - Right again.
Let's go!
[car approaching]
[telephone ringing]
Hello, hello.
Give me the sign.
How do you stop a dog from barking in July?
Countersign, Shoot them in June.
Very good.
[chuckles]
Listen, Batman and Robin just drove into the parking lot.
What? The Dynamic Duo at the school?
That's right, Joker.
What'll I do? Take another lam?
No, no, no, no, listen.
Oh. Ha ha ha.
Thank heavens for my delicious sense of humor.
You have your crooked keys, don't you?
Natch.
'Alright, Sweet Sue. Find key 17.'
'Do exactly as I tell you.'
- Gain level set. - Okay.
Set the anti-theft systems. Let's go.
Susie.
Wow, am I ever glad to see you two.
Just now, I saw a suspicious character in the gym.
Quick! Run to safety.
We'll take care of him.
Wait, Batman, look, a machine.
It's been tampered with.
This might be tricky.
Get out your Bat-a-rang.
I'll slip in a dime.
[coin clatters]
Holy ball and chain!
[grunts]
Quick! Let's get out our cutting tools.
[hissing]
The knock-out gas.
[all laughing]
Twelve and one half minutes later
inside this curious vehicle..
It's all hooked up, boys.
50,000 volts, straight from the city main.
Good.
[chuckles]
Gosh, Joker, this sure is some crazy mixed-up moving van.
One of the assets of the One-Armed Bandit Novelty Company
built for a whimsical Caribbean dictator.
Happily for us if not for the Dynamic Duo.
Uh, deposed before delivery.
[groaning]
Oh, they're waking up.
Careful no, my dimple darling. No names.
I'll speak to them through this trick microphone
that disguises our voices.
(Susie over microphone) 'Oh, what a paw.'
Holy Las Vegas! Where are we?
(Joker on speaker) 'In a strange kind of game room, boy blunder.'
Do you see the machine next to you?
'Right.'
'It's going to spin around merrily and merrily.'
What's the payoff?
Three liberty bells, your freedom..
...and $50,000 cash.
'Three oranges, your freedom only.'
And if it's three lemons, which the percentages say
is the more likely.
50,000 volts of electrifying electricity
my fettered fatman.
'Automatically on the third lemon.'
Holy fruit salad.
Sorry, I don't approve of gambling.
(Joker) 'Enough, my captured caped crusaders.'
I guarantee this machine is fair.
So let the game commence.
[both chuckling]
[clatters]
Horrors! One lemon.
Double horrors! Two lemons.
And if it's a third, instant and inescapable
50,000 volts.
Close your eyes. Who dares to see it?
Try us tomorrow, same Bat-time
same Bat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman Batman Batman
¶ Nana nana nana nana na
¶ Batman