¶ Batman
(male narrator) Gotham City International Airport.
A pleasant day for an important arrival.
Gentlemen, please. A little room for the king.
Welcome to Gotham City, Your Highness.
This has been a long awaited pleasure.
Thank you, my friends. But the pleasure is entirely mine.
I've heard wonderful things about your city.
How was your flight, Your Majesty.
Bumpy.
Oh, uh..
Except when we crossed into American territory
then it was smooth.
[all laughing]
I'd like to ask--
The limousine's waiting, Your Majesty.
I'm sure you'd like to go to the hotel.
Fine, fine.
Oh, uh.. May I take that for you?
No-no, no thank you. No.
No offense, but it's too important.
I shall carry it with me until the presentation.
Your Majesty..
...on behalf of the Welcoming Committee
I'd like to present you with these roses.
Well, thank you, young lady. Thank you very much.
[chuckling] Shy little thing, isn't she?
These flowers are certainly..
[explosion]
[sinister laughter]
Make anything out of it, Chief O'Hara?
There's no doubt about it..
...The Riddler
that infernal Prince of Puzzlers as you call him
is up to his old tricks.
And what will those tricks be, chief?
"When is a person like a piece of wood?"
What does it mean?
I wish I knew, commissioner.
I wish I knew.
Anyone else think they can make any sense out of it?
Well, there is one man who might be able to.
[dramatic music]
I have a fine police force here, yet I have no alternative
but to call on his services once again.
Long time ago, I gave up trying to figure out who he was
I owe him too much for that.
We all owe him a very great deal.
And in Wayne Manor
stately and secure home of millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward Dick Grayson.
[beeping]
I'll beckon him, sir, immediately.
You think? That's mate...old chum.
Gosh, Bruce. Why can't I ever beat you?
You have on...several occasions.
Only when your mind is on important matters..
[clearing throat] Excuse me for interrupting, sir.
- But it's the Batphone. - Oh, boy!
Oops! Sorry, Aunt Harriet. I didn't mean to scare you.
Mercy alive! If I didn't know you two better
I'd think you were up to something.
What do you mean, Aunt Harriet?
Well, it's just that every once in awhile
you come zooming out of this room like jet planes
practically knocking me over
and then rushing out with hardly any explanation.
There's no mystery, Aunt Harriet.
Dick and I just played a game of chess
and we agreed that if I won, he'd do some studying.
If he won, we'd go fishing.
Bye, dear.
[dramatic music]
Yes, commissioner.
Batman, I'm having trouble..
...with a riddle.
Him again.
We'll be right over.
To the Batpoles.
[music continues]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
[theme music]
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
It's The Riddler. His modus operandi alright.
I agree. Nobody else would use such a spectacular
and bizarre method to flaunt a puzzle.
What the devil is the culprit trying to tell us?
The riddle itself is pretty basic.
A person is a piece of wood when he's a ruler.
You figure it has something to do with King Boris.
- Maybe. - Good thinking, Robin.
But no attempt was made to abduct or to harm him.
Wood, ruler, king. Tsk.
A chess king.
The International Chess Tournament tonight.
Twenty five thousand dollars in prize money.
Boy Wonder, you've done it again.
I think this thing is much bigger than that.
The Riddler goes after millions not thousands.
He loves to dazzle us with his fancy footwork.
In any case, assign an extra squad of men to cover the place.
- What is King Boris' itinerary? - He's here on a goodwill visit.
Among other things
he's to be an honorary judge at the Miss Galaxy finals tomorrow.
And the following day
will appear at the Queen of Freedom Monument.
I saw that in the papers.
He's going to present the Museum of Fame
with a doll-sized replica of the Queen of Freedom.
Queen?
A queen can be a ruler.
- That's it. - What queen?
There is no queen, the king ain't married.
There will be tomorrow.
A new queen of beauty.
They're gonna crown her with a priceless diamond
and emerald tiara.
Exactly, Robin.
It's my guess that our puzzling friend will try to steal it.
Ah, now, we're getting somewhere.
'I'll have that place blocked so tight..'
On the contrary..
...I think we should let The Riddler steal the tiara.
Ladies and gentlemen, before I announce this year's winner
I shall like to introduce you to last year's Miss Galaxy.
She is Jackie Sands.
[applause]
This is it.
The moment you've all been waiting for.
The moment one of these girls has been waiting for.
Our moment of truth.
Knowing that arch-villain The Riddler
I'm almost positive he'll show up for this event.
We'll soon find out.
Miss Galaxy will be crowned any moment.
[applause]
The new Miss Galaxy
Queen of Beauty is..
...Southern City's own sparkling-eyed beauty
Julia Davis.
[cheering and applause]
- Congratulations, Julia. - Thank you.
Miss Galaxy..
...it is with great pleasure that I crown you Queen of Beauty
with this magnificent diamond and emerald tiara.
- Oh! Thank you. - Isn't she beautiful?
'Miss Galaxy.'
[applause]
[indistinct chattering]
[dramatic music]
[girls screaming]
[The Riddler laughing sinisterly]
He's in for quite a surprise when he discovers I substituted
a fake tiara for the real one.
Too bad we didn't get a chance to paste The Riddler.
We might yet.
Don't forget I placed a homing transmitter
in the band of that tiara.
It'll lead us right to his hideout.
Yes.
Now, to the Batmobile.
[dramatic music]
[radio receiver buzzing]
[laughing]
Wait, Robin. Look.
[The Riddler laughing]
Holy sewer pipe! What's he up to?
You're slipping, Batman.
I knew it was a phony crown all the time.
Riddle me this, crime fighter.
What room can no one enter?
If you figure it out
look for another royal riddle in this crown.
[laughing]
[music continues]
[sighing] That ends any chance of tracking him with the homing device.
Shall we after him in the manhole?
We'll never find him.
There're hundreds of tunnels down here.
[music continues]
A riddle a day keeps The Riddler away.
What?
Once, a long time ago
The Riddler made the mistake of telling me that.
It means as long as he dishes out riddles, he's..
...he's not finished with his plot.
When the riddles stop
that's when he's ready for his final caper.
Then he told the truth.
That diamond tiara wasn't what he was really after.
Right, Robin.
But we have two more riddles to tell us what it may be.
[dramatic music]
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
[dramatic music]
Now. First clue was
What room can no one enter?
A mushroom.
Agreed. Uh, the second one. Read it again.
"What is the beginning of eternity
"the end of time and space
beginning of every end and the end of every race?"
Golly, Batman.
It doesn't seem to make sense.
Let's see. If your first answer, a mushroom was correct..
Why, that's it.
- Of course. - You have it?
What was it The Riddler said when he threw back the tiara?
"There's a royal riddle in this crown."
Look up the address of the Royal Mushroom Club.
There are some things we can do the good old-fashion way.
Using the telephone book.
Oh! I must be getting lazy.
Meanwhile, in another cave, a rat cave
dreary hideout of the sinister River Rats Gang
currently in the employ of The Riddler.
What's this, River Rats?
Munching cheese while there's work to be done?
Sorry, Riddler, but we got hungry.
Oh, indeed. Well, perhaps you'll lose your appetite
when I deduct the cheese bill from your share of the profits.
- How'd it go, chief? - Magnificent.
Sumptuous.
You should have seen the look on Batman's face
when I threw the tiara.
Now, my good rats.
Now is the time to go to the Royal Mushroom Club.
If Plan 13-Z goes well, and I'm sure it will
the finest achievement in crime shall be culminated tonight.
The end of Batman and Robin.
And later, at the Royal Mushroom Club..
(male #1) Magnificent.
What a fantastic duplication.
Those jewels, it must be worth a fortune.
Value was not the object.
It's friendship that counts
and admiration for your great country.
To America!
(all) America.
(King Boris) 'Mmm! What a delicious wine.'
Ho ho. Marvelous bouquet.
The Royal Mushroom Club has some of the finest wines
in the world. Right, Mr. Ambassador.
Yes. Fine vintages and rare years indeed.
[clearing throat]
Begging your pardon, Mr. Ambassador
but we're every proud of our wine cellar.
Perhaps His Majesty would like a tour?
An excellent idea.
I'm always interested in good wines.
Like a small boy looking at expensive bicycles.
Well then, let me lead the way.
[dramatic music]
Batman! Robin!
- Trouble or pleasure? - We're not sure yet.
Is King Boris visiting here tonight?
Why, yes. He just went for a tour of our wine cellar.
Which way?
Fastest way is down the stairs.
Come on, Robin. We haven't a second to lose.
Well, well.
Chateau Le Duc '29.
[chuckling] I didn't know there was any left.
I'm very much impressed.
[footsteps approaching]
Batman and Robin. This is an unexpected pleasure.
Thank you. This isn't a social visit.
- May we approach, King Boris? - It's an honor to meet you.
How can I be of service?
Your Majesty, you're in great danger here.
May we escort you to your hotel?
- Danger? That's ridiculous. - We thought so too, but then--
Oh, I've heard wondrous things about you, Batman.
But, this time, I'm afraid you're wrong.
First of all, I'm with friends.
Second, there is no political threat against me
I assure you.
My country is small and harmless
my people, content and happy. Who would want to..
[wine bottles popping]
[indistinct]
[dramatic music]
[screaming]
[thudding]
The king! He's gone.
What?
(Robin) Great Scott! A trapdoor!
Does anyone know where this leads?
I wasn't aware there was a trapdoor here.
Come on, Robin. There might be an exit from outside the club.
"Two steps to aid you with my plot."
That's no riddle.
But those are.
"How much dirt is in a hole three acres square
and 200 feet deep?"
None. Because it's a hole.
I suggest that's a bit too elementary
for our quizzical criminal.
"If you're having difficulty with the first
"perhaps your young friend can help you on this one.
What won't run long without winding?"
"What won't run long without winding?"
Clock?
Stairway!
- A river? - The Gotham river.
[indistinct]
We'll soon find out. Come on, Robin.
Back to the Batcave.
Gotham City river bending and winding...sections.
Nothing there.
- Negative again. - Hold it.
I think we may have something. Let's take a closer look.
That may be it.
Gotham City Water and Power Plant exact location
and size.
(Batman) 'This could be a clue.'
A hole three acres wide and 200 feet deep.
I'll bet The Riddler and his gang
are holing up with King Boris.
Let's go and dig 'em out.
And fast.
And at the obsolete Water and Power Plant..
I don't know what kind of rogues you are
but I demand that you release me this instant.
Gee
I never met royalty before.
It's pretty thrilling.
Royalty?
You've never met royalty?
And just whom do you think stands before you
My cherub?
I am the Prince of Puzzlers
the Count of Conundrums
'the King of Crime.'
My whole court here, no one else..
[sighing]
[dramatic music]
It's a good idea hiding the Batmobile on that thicket.
Nobody will spot it there.
I hope nobody spots us climbing this wall.
Why don't we just break in through the main entrance?
Surprise attack style.
Don't worry, we'll catch them off guard.
Through the ventilating system?
First, I wanna make sure we don't endanger King Boris
when we make our entrance.
Gosh! There could be diplomatic repercussions
if we fail this time, Batman.
That's not the point, Robin.
What's important is that the world knows
that all visitors to these teeming shores are safe.
Be it a peasant or a king.
Gee, Batman, I never thought of that. You're right.
It's the very essence of our democracy.
Darn it..
You have the Queen of Freedom replica
what possible good can it do for you to keep me here?
My fine sovereign friend.
In your wildest imagination, you could never begin to conceive
my ingenious stratagem.
If not ransom, then what?
You, my dear king, have been reduced to a pawn.
An important pawn however.
For you will be used to checkmate Batman
'and his preposterous Boy Wonder.'
[The Riddler laughing]
'When they show up..'
[laughing]
...then my men will escort you safely
back to town..
...with your statue.
[continues laughing]
You want a piece of cheese?
Not without a good vintage port, you lackey.
[dramatic music]
To quote an old axiom
"The finer the bait, the shorter the wait."
Hey, king.
[laughing]
Uh, we shouldn't have to wait much longer.
Batman fell for my clues.
[music continues]
(Batman) Alright, Riddler.
Now you're going to fall right into the hands of the law.
Now, Whitey.
[The Riddler laughing]
(Robin) Batman, we're caught in this sticky trap.
I-I-I can't get out of it.
I-I can't move.
Neither can I.
[chuckling] It couldn't be more beautiful!
Whoever heard of a bat caught in a spider's web?
Whitey, Fangs!
Be sure to strap them down good.
[laughing]
I'm a man of my word.
Whiskers! Whiskers, return the statue to His Majesty
and take him back to town. Blindfolded of course.
Oh, you were stupendous as a pawn, king.
Batman and Robin played it right into my hands.
Oh!
[laughing]
[dramatic music]
Comfortable? Huh.
Batman..
...these driveshafts rotate 1000 revolutions per second
that means the centrifugal force will tear the bones
from your body.
But before I start you spinning
I'd like to spill off one last riddle.
You might have about a minute to solve it before you die.
Now, then.
Why is a woman in love like a welder?
Goodbye, Batman.
Goodbye, Boy Wonder.
Take it easy...Robin.
One bad turn deserves another.
[laughing]
Batman and Robin to die?
Things certainly are turning the wrong way for them.
Is this really the end?
Unbelievable!
If you care for Batman and Robin
keep hoping 'til tomorrow night.
Same time. Same Bat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na
¶ Batman