¶ Batman
(male narrator) We have already seen a quiet Gotham City Bank.
A sneaky operation.
Apprehended?
Not quite
A load of lead.
Goodnight, sweet guard.
A call to Batman.
He's on his way.
Hey, hey, hey!
The brass was stumped..
...but Batman wasn't.
He'd plant a story.
A pair of crooks
and one's a doll.
Batman sets the doll trap.
And the doll was tempted.
The trap looked tasty.
But the doll turned the tables
and snatched Aunt Harriet.
Holy backfire!
One hundred thousand dollars ransom
or a hot tub for Aunt Harriet..
...in exactly one hour.
Sizzled or saved?
But wait, the worst is yet to come.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman
Where can he be?
Where can Bruce Wayne be?
I keep telling you, commissioner, stop worrying.
Batman will find him.
Twenty minutes gone.
Forty minutes remaining for Bruce Wayne to appear
and contact the criminal or else..
Oh, that poor, unfortunate Mrs. Cooper.
It always the poor ones who get the worst of these games.
Any luck, Chief O'Hara?
Well, thank you. Thank you just the same.
Yeah, goodbye.
Well, that's the last of them.
I've called every rich man's club
and eatin' place in Gotham City.
He's in none of them.
These millionaires!
It's hard for us to comprehend the sort of lives they lead.
Yeah, it's true, commissioner.
I'll bet Mr. Wayne is out on some yacht.
Eatin' sherbet and changing his clothes.
Now, that's not true.
Why do you jump at me so, Boy Wonder?
Gosh, chief, I'm sorry. It's just that--
There, Boy Wonder, we understand.
The lad's under great strain, Chief O'Hara.
No doubt he can't help imagine himself in the position
of young Dick Grayson, the nephew of the kidnap victim.
Right lad?
Uh, so right, commissioner.
Well, console yourself, my boy.
We haven't been able to locate young Dick Grayson either.
He's fortunately ignorant of this whole tragic situation.
Twenty five minutes.
Why the devil can't Batman find Bruce Wayne?
Am I in time?
Thank heavens, Mr. Wayne. I hope so.
Our little team. Chief O'Hara.
- My pleasure, sir. - And Robin, The Boy Wonder.
I'm sure glad Batman found you, Mr. Wayne.
Me too, Robin. He located me on the outskirts of my estate.
- He asked me to give a message. - Yes?
Batman said, "Tell Robin to carry on."
He himself had to dash in search of a clue.
- What was it? - He didn't stop to say.
What's the situation here?
Tight, Mr. Wayne. Ugly, I'll explain on the way.
- The way? - Chief, alert my driver.
Yes, sir.
The criminal has asked to make contact
in a strange but clever manner.
Over television, Mr. Wayne.
I have every Gotham City channel
waiting on standby.
Let's go. Come on.
[gunshots on television]
Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the interruption
of our regularly scheduled programs.
This is a special announcement
from Commissioner Gordon's office.
Switch it, Jewel. Studio nine.
You're on the air, commissioner.
[clears throat]
Hello, criminals.
Wherever you are out there. Do you hear me, criminals?
This is Police Commissioner Gordon.
I'm Bruce Wayne.
And I'm Robin, Batman's aid.
I speak for him officially.
Our phone number is 555-2345.
(Commissioner) 'I give you my word of honor this line is not being traced.'
That's right. No trace.
Our only interest is the safe return of Mrs. Harriet Cooper.
(Robin) 'We give crooks no quarter'
'but we always deal with them fairly too.'
Ah, correct.
Criminals, we don't wish to undermine
what little remaining faith you might have in organized society.
[phone rings]
Yes.
This line better not be traced, my friends..
...or it'll be very sad for Mrs. Harriet Cooper.
How is she?
[fire crackling]
Oh, well, quite well, Boy Wonder.
At least as well as one can be
in a straitjacket over a fatal pool of flaming oil.
You devil!
How could a woman stoop to such a trick?
Talk of tricks.
What about that phony Star of Samarkand this morning?
It was a fair weapon in a fight against crime.
You know that as well as I do.
Enough of this prattle.
Mr. Wayne, listen to my instructions about the ransom.
Wait.
What? Are you trying to give me orders?
Wait, the Boy Wonder is about to make a dramatic confession.
That story in the paper
about the bank money being counterfeit
'it was false.'
What?
It was a ruse.
It was a Batman's trick to make you try again.
That money you stole last night is real.
A statement from the editor of the Gotham City Times
"This morning's headline..
...was entirely untrue."
Look.
(Commissioner) 'It's signed and notarized.'
(Bruce Wayne) 'Let me add my assurance.'
As the director of the first national bank of Gotham City.
let me tell you that the money in your possession
is 100% bonafide.
You gotta believe Mr. Wayne.
As bank director, if he made a false statement
he would be liable to federal prosecution.
- Yes. - Don't you see out there?
This reckless crime of yours isn't necessary.
You already have your filthy lucre.
For your own sake, release Mrs. Cooper immediately.
Oh, Come on, you crook.
You can't be all bad. Let the poor lady go, huh?
Yes. Thank you.
I believe you.
It was only desperation that drove me to this.
You-you'll release your victim?
At once, with pleasure.
Where?
Don't worry. You'll find her.
Goodbye.
Ah, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you very much.
And now, we return you to our regular scheduled program
in progress.
[gunshot on television]
- Holy hallelujah! We did it. - Thanks to you, Robin.
It was your warm appeal that turned the tide.
I'll call Chief O'Hara.
I'll put the entire force on the alert.
Get me Chief O'Hara. Chief O'Hara, yes, thank you.
[tires screeching]
Are you alright?
Could I help you, madam?
I'm Mrs. Harriet Cooper.
The kidnap victim?
Yes. Would someone please call a policeman.
My relatives must be terribly worried.
Yes, ma'am.
Scarcely minutes later
back at stately Wayne Manor..
Is she alright, doctor?
(doctor) An amazing woman, Mr. Wayne.
It was a real fight to make her accept sedation.
(Bruce) 'Well, that's Aunt Harriet all over.'
You're sure she had no clues to divulge
about the crooks?
Not one alas.
It seems that the minute she was lured into the taxi
she was subjected to a potent but harmless drug.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go.
Yes, of course. Thank you, doctor.
I suppose you'll be wanting to find Batman now?
That's right, Mr. Wayne. I will.
[sighs]
What's the matter, Alfred?
Excuse me, sir, but I can't help feeling that this whole
somber episode is my fault.
Your fault?
Indeed, sir.
Had I not been down dusting the Bat-cave
when that false phone call arrived..
Good heavens! Perish the thought, Alfred.
You were performing your proper duty.
Begging you pardon, sir. Not true.
Ordinarily, I tend to the Bat-cave on Wednesday evenings.
I fail to do so because of my addiction
to a certain television program.
Listen, Alfred, rid yourself of guilt.
That's right, Alfred.
Aunt Harriet's fine now.
She's more than fine.
If it hadn't been for her mishap
I wouldn't have deduced the criminal's identity.
What? You know?
Dear me.
And I thought, uh, I thought I discovered the decisive clue.
This, uh, book of matches, sir.
The Gnome Book Store.
Where did you find this, Alfred?
'Just now, sir.'
On the staircase.
They must've fallen out of Mrs. Cooper's pocket
when we helped her upstairs.
I had hoped that they might indicate the whereabouts
of the felon's lair.
Nice thinking, Alfred. Darn nice thinking.
To the Bat-poles.
Atomic batteries to power.
Turbines to speed.
[roaring]
[tires screeching]
Gosh, Batman, I'm stumped.
Who the heck is the crook?
Think over the clues.
A female magician.
So what use is that?
Like we found in the files
there are 27 female magicians
licensed to practice in Gotham City.
Think harder.
Remember what she told us about Aunt Harriet's plight.
Suspended in a straitjacket over a..
Holy birthday cake!
Right.
My last birthday, you took me to see her.
We even met her backstage.
Zelda the great!
Sure, I remember.
That straitjacket escape was her big gimmick.
As usual, vain boasting has been this criminal's undoing.
Gosh, though.
Where does this Gnome book store come in?
(male narrator) Where indeed.
For back behind the phony book store
Eivol is ready with his inescapable Doom-Trap.
[chuckling] Well, well.
Legal tender after all.
Isn't life surprising, hmm?
You have your money, Eivol.
Now, tell me the secret.
How do I escape from the Doom-Trap?
You mean you haven't guessed, Zelda?
Even after the hint I gave you?
- There is no way to escape. - True.
Even I, Eivol Ekdal, with all my twisted Albanian genius.
Even I cannot devise the answer.
That is where Batman comes in.
Oh, we lure him into the trap?
Then he show us the way out?
Exactly. We use him as our pawn.
Well, you mad Albanian.
Even if Batman does work out the trick
how can I use it on stage when Batman knows.
We have an obscure peasant saying in my country
"Dead men tell no tales."
Dead men?
But of course, dear Zelda.
After Batman escapes from the Doom-Trap
he walks into instant liquidation.
[buzzer sounds] Wait, I show you.
Ah..
...gentlemen, welcome, gentlemen.
All set up for the rub out?
Yes, yes.
Show me the money.
One hundred grand.
- Don't bother to count. - It might make us mad.
[laughing]
It's like fringe benefit.
Another $100,000 I get for..
What is the word?
...fingering Batman.
I sign a contract with the syndicate.
Kidnapping, murder.
Where will it end?
- You know I abhor violence. - You wretched weakling!
You should've thought of that before you rob your first bank.
Now, stop the stupid questions and think of a way to lure
Batman into our trap.
Done.
What done?
As I told you, Eivol, I'd guessed your scheme.
I cleverly left a clue.
I stuck a book of your matches in Mrs. Copper's pocket.
No doubt he's on his way already.
Not a moment to lose.
Gentlemen, into the sarcophagi.
Quickly. You see? They have peep holes.
What's the shooting schedule?
The instant Batman escapes from the Doom-Trap, shoot!
Why not shoot him before he gets in?
Because we need Batman to show us how to escape
from the Doom-Trap, you fools!
[laughing nervously]
Gentlemen, dear friends.
Remember, contract calls for bumping Batman after he escapes.
It's in writing.
Okay, if it's in writin'.
Okay. Please gentlemen.
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
There it is.
[tires screech]
Closed. Back in one hour.
Could be a deception.
Right you are.
It's not even locked.
[buzzing]
[softly] Electric eye.
Someone's coming into the shop.
Quickly, Zelda, quickly.
Where?
Into my secret control booth. In the wings.
(Eivol) Quickly.
You may look in this periscope.
(Robin) Look, Batman, a note on the counter.
(Batman) "To whom it may concern.
"Try interesting volume on top shelf
last book of back row."
Gosh! Could it concern us?
It certainly could. Look at that title.
The truth about...bats.
Wow!
[whirring]
That book worked a concealed switch.
Let's see how the plot goes, huh?
(Batman) Bizarre!
A play without actors.
This script could be for us.
One way to find out.
Let's get in the limelight.
Look, in this booth.
It's a bat.
I bet it means something.
(Robin) Holy fish bowl!
(Batman) We're shut in.
Got them.
A trick magnetic padlock.
Oh, it seems such a waste. They're such handsome creatures.
Shut up.
Eivol, Eivol, can I help being a woman.
Shut up I said.
Now, I turn on the secret speakers
hidden in the Doom-Trap.
(Robin) 'Gosh, Batman! What kinda trap is this?'
It is a Doom-Trap, Boy Wonder.
(Eivol on speakers) 'Welcome to my greatest achievement.'
'The inescapable Doom-Trap.'
Poor, twisted mind.
'You stupid fools! I am a genius.'
Yeah, that's what they all say.
Pipe down, Robin. We have to humor him.
What's the big idea, genius?
Very simple, Batman.
Try to escape.
Let's just do that.
Our utility belts.
[Eivol laughing]
'Useless!'
My jet age plastics are impervious to your tools.
Eivol, what if even Batman cannot escape the trap?
That will be very sad.
Then I would have to give back your money.
Or I could go back to the drawing board.
[whirring]
Gosh, I'm afraid it's true.
This stuff is tough.
You are wasting time
and you have so little left.
Now..
...look down at your feet.
A deadly, colored gas is issuing.
Quick, let's get that grill.
(Robin) 'Ow!'
(Batman) 'Electrified.'
Holy graveyard, Batman.
(Robin) 'This could be...curtains.'
(Batman) 'Don't quit, Robin. Let's get our heads down.'
'This gas is rising.'
[coughs] 'Lighter than air.'
'We'll have a few more life-saving seconds.'
Oh, what a noble struggle!
(Robin) 'Hey, a gas lighter than air?'
Must have...h-h-hydrogen in it.
I-if we could electrify it.
We can. High voltage grill.
Metal buckles of our belts.
Give me your utility belt
and step back, Robin.
[Batman coughs]
(Batman) 'Alright. Here goes.'
[explosion]
Sensational! He has done it.
Batman, watch out. Those mummies!
[gun fire]
[crash]
(Eivol) 'Aah..'
(Robin) 'Look, Batman.'
Holy crossfire!
Poised on their own murderous petards.
A couple of mummies.
Let's taketh them to the morgue.
But where's Zelda.
Look at her. Glycerin tears.
No, Robin.
Real.
Some other lifetime...Batman.
Perhaps.
Some other lifetime.
Some time later at Gotham State Penitentiary
female division..
Hello, Zelda.
Hello, Mr. Wayne.
I'll come right to the point, Zelda.
While I can't pretend that your conduct
has earned you any medals
on the other hand, you did save Batman's life
and The Boy Wonder's too.
It was the least I could do, Mr. Wayne.
True, true.
But not many criminals would see it that way.
I think you've earned a new chance.
A new chance?
The Wayne foundation of which I'm the head
maintains a number of children's hospitals.
Now, here's my offer.
When you get out of here
I'll see you get a position in one of those hospitals
as resident lady magician.
Oh, how wonderful.
What a joy to entertain small children.
I'm glad you feel that way.
Consider it settled then.
- Goodbye. - Wait please.
Good heavens.
If you ever see him
give this to Batman.
Please? Will you, Mr. Wayne?
(male narrator) Next week, Batman vs the Joker.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na
¶ Batman