¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
(male narrator) A quiet peaceful night in Gotham City.
Except at the First National Bank
at exactly 8:37.
[explosion]
[dramatic music]
Hold it. Hands up.
Don't move.
[gunshots]
Escaped, gentlemen.
Thanks to a bulletproof vest escaped clean as hound's tooth.
with precisely one hundred thousand in cash.
Need I tell you what this means?
The devil of an unknown bandit.
The one who strikes every April the 1st
for exactly a hundred grand.
Correct, Chief O'Hara.
Well, the third year running an identical pattern.
Got a call from the president of the Gotham City League of Banks.
He told me bluntly the league is becoming uneasy.
Sure and I don't blame them.
A fine bunch of April fools we're looking.
Oh, don't castigate yourselves.
You're tip-top officers, all of you.
But still..
...two years on this case
and you men haven't turned up a single clue.
Any reason to think you'll do better this time?
This one is bigger than the lot of us.
Commissioner...we need help.
[dramatic music]
Yes, I'm inclined to agree.
Ascend to the roof, Chief O'Hara, turn on the Bat-signal.
- Yes, sir. - I'll try the hotline.
No one to answer the Bat-phone.
Because Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson
along with Alfred the butler
are on the roof of Wayne Manor..
...stargazing.
How's that, Master Dick?
Fine, thanks, Alfred.
Wow, the rings of Saturn.
This is sure some fun, Bruce.
Astronomy is more than mere fun, Dick.
- It is? - Yes.
It helps give us a sense of proportion.
Reminds us how little we are really.
People tend to forget that sometimes.
Gosh, yes, that's right.
I'll bet I'll see those rings a little differently this time.
If you boys have finished stargazing
there's a delicious rib roast on the dining room table.
Just one more minute, Aunt Harriet.
[dramatic music]
Goodness gracious, look up at that cloud.
Isn't that the famous Bat-signal?
(Dick) 'It sure is, Aunt Harriet.'
Commissioner Gordon must wish the services
of the, ahem, Dynamic Duo.
Mercy alive.
Whoever that unknown Batman is
I hope he sees the signal.
Uh, great heavens, what a fool I am.
- Isn't today Wednesday, Alfred? - Indeed, sir.
Wednesday night, Gotham Town hall.
We have tickets to that lecture on Latin-American affairs.
Holy Venezuela, you're right.
If we dash, we can catch part of it.
- Excuse us, Aunt Harriet. - Goodnight, Aunt Harriet.
Oh, and don't worry about Dick's supper, Aunt Harriet.
We'll have some good, hot pancakes later.
Dick Grayson.
Running out on a rib roast
for a lecture in politics?
Alfred, get ready to catch me. I think I'm gonna faint.
My pleasure, madam.
[dramatic music]
[beeping]
Sorry about the holdup. What's the problem?
You-you just said it yourself, Batman.
- "A holdup." Big. - We're on our way.
To the Bat-poles.
[dramatic music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
[dramatic music]
[whooshing]
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
(Gordon) Well, one clue that slug from the guard's pistol
after it ricocheted from the bandit's bulletproof vest.
We hoped that it might contain
identifiable fibers from the bandit's clothing.
- No luck, eh? - Our hopes were blasted.
Lab report, negative.
I'll take this anyway.
Our own equipment at the Bat-cave
may prove more revealing.
Meantime, let's ponder the crook's motive.
A hundred thousand smackers. That's the motive.
But why?
Why exactly one hundred thousand dollars?
Leaving another half million untouched.
Batman's right. That has some meaning.
The same strange pattern every year.
Precisely a hundred thousand each April 1st.
Glory be, I've got it.
It's to pay his income taxes.
A loyal taxpayer stooping to criminal methods?
Uh, sure, when you put it that way.
I fear you're growing cynical, Chief O'Hara.
The notion of a faithful taxpayer
robbing a bank is absurd.
It's this case that's driving me mad.
'We're up against a blank wall.'
Not even a single lead.
Right, Robin. So what do we do in such a case?
- We make a lead. - 'Exactly.'
"Make a lead?"
In heaven's name, Boy Wonder, how?
Don't worry. Batman will figure it out. Won't you, Batman?
[dramatic music]
Operator, this is Batman speaking.
Get me the editor of the Gotham City Times.
I have a scheme to throw our enemies into confusion.
I'm going to plant a story.
[dramatic music]
Extra, extra. Get your newspaper here.
Read about the bandit who stole the counterfeit money.
Yes, that's what he did. Counterfeit money.
Friend, what was counterfeit money
doing in the vault of the First National Bank?
If you wanna know, buy a paper.
I ain't no special news service.
I wonder what it was doing there?
Oh, "Awaiting at the bank for disposal."
Makes sense. Hey, paper here.
Read about the bandit who stole the counterfeit money.
Here. Read about it, right now.
[instrumental music]
How are you doing with that bullet, Batman?
'Amazing. Come here and look.'
Any trace of what the crook was wearing?
Wow.
Those are fiber patterns, alright.
Notice from left to right. First, nylon coveralls.
Next, what seems to be...orange wool.
And silk.
Unless I'm crazy, about ten layers
of different colored silks.
Square on the button, Robin.
This bullet passed through 13 layers
of brightly-colored silk.
Holy rainbow.
- Who'd wear a rig like that? - Let me show you a clue.
[sighs]
Gosh, that's a stumper. I think it's organic, though.
Correct, the unmistakable
spectrographic pattern of ambergris.
Ambergris?
You mean that smelly, oily stuff they use in making perfumes?
Correct again, which leads to only one possible conclusion.
- The crook was a lady. - Hardly a lady, Robin.
- But female, yes. - The Catwoman?
No, impossible. She's safely up the river.
- Then who could she be? - I don't know.
I think...we're faced with some new
super-criminal not in our crime file.
[beeping]
- Yes, Batman. - Here's a tip, commissioner.
Alert the entire force.
Be on the lookout for a woman in an orange dress.
Good heavens, a woman.
What is the world coming to?
We can't stop to worry about that now.
Our task is to fight crime.
Goodbye for now.
The morning newspaper, sir. It just arrived.
Ah, good. Thanks. I want to read this.
My pleasure, sir.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Would you and Master Robin be departing soon?
- Oh, indeed, we will. - Thank you, sir.
Then I'll go and get the vacuum cleaner.
Looks perfect, Batman.
Yep, it's all there.
Just the way I dictated it.
Oh, boy.
I'll bet somewhere in Gotham City
there's one really shook lady crook.
I hope so, Robin.
Now to make this planted story sprout.
Meanwhile, behind the facade
of this innocent-looking bookstore
there lurks the secret workshop
of a strange Albanian genius..
... Eivol Ekdal.
[dramatic music]
[door opens]
Sorry to be late, Eivol.
Counterfeit you bring me.
To me, Eivol Ekdal, worthless counterfeit.
Look.
How could I know, Eivol?
"How could I know, Eivol?"
"Zelda the Great.
Even greater than Houdini."
Without the marvelous escape devices which I
Eivol Ekdal made for you each year
you would be nothing.
Stop taunting me.
I've always paid you well, haven't I?
I've even taken up a life of crime to pay your price.
Poor Zelda.
And I suppose, it offends
your lofty principles, huh?
But it does, Eivol.
I hate robbing banks.
And all I ever wanted to be was
a poor...but honest magician.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Aww.
[laughing]
I thought so. A glycerin tear producer.
And now, my conscience-stricken little crocodile
wipe away those disgusting phony tears
'and let's talk sensibly, huh?'
But what am I going to do, Eivol?
Hmm, that is the question.
My act's been slipping, you know.
If I don't come up with a super-sensational escape
this year...I'm finished.
Such bad luck that you're stuck with those counterfeits.
Such unusually bad luck.
For you see..
Yes?
I had it all prepared for you, Zelda.
Guaranteed without question
the most super-sensational escape device ever invented.
Even by me, Eivol Ekdal.
Oh, show me.
Well, since you can't pay my price
of one hundred thousand dollars
I hardly see the point.
Well, alright.
Behold, Eivol Ekdal's
inescapable doom trap.
A cage constructed of utterly unbreakable
jet-age plastic.
Will they believe that?
Of course.
Before you get inside you will demonstrate.
I'll show you. Duck behind the trunk.
[gunfire]
Oh, it's fantastic.
The plastic isn't even scratched.
Of course, I told you. It's unbreakable.
[laughing]
Please, come up on the stage.
Examine more closely.
Step inside.
The hinged wall is closed and padlocked
by member of the audience.
From the floor grill is pouring
a deadly-colored gas.
The audience is screaming for you to escape.
How do you do it?
Why, it's too simple.
I lift the iron grill
slip out a trapdoor.
The colored gas conceals my actions.
[both laughing]
Please...try it.
[crackling]
[screaming]
- Oh! - It's shocking, eh?
Oh, the grill's electrified.
Violently.
Oh, it's wonderful.
Oh, wonderful.
Now, tell me..
...what's the secret of my getting out?
[chuckles]
My dear, you don't even get in until I get my money.
But I will give you one hint.
The secret of my doom trap involves..
Guess who?
The Caped Crusader, Batman.
- Batman? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, but you must be mad, Eivol.
He's a sworn enemy of crooks like us.
But he's also, what you only pretend to be
the worlds greatest escape artist.
- Ah! - Mm-hmm.
Yes. Now I begin to see.
In perfect working order, Batman.
All systems A-Okay.
Right.
Bait for the mousetrap.
Let's go.
Atomic batteries to power.
Turbines to speed.
[whooshing]
Clear. Ready to move out.
[tires screeching]
[theme music]
Not one more word until I get my hundred thousand dollars.
Well, how will I find it?
They'll be watching all the banks like hawks.
Please. Read the newspaper again.
Please.
"The Star of Samarkand."
- That fabulous emerald. - Exactly.
It will be at Stonewin's Jewelry
on display one day only.
Not quite as convenient as cash
but quite acceptable.
Quick, let me think.
I'll, uh, I'll need equipment.
Oh, please, consider the contents
of my humble secret workshop as yours.
- A trick mirror. - Yes.
- A disguise. - Hmm.
And a set of..
- Wait a minute. - What is the matter?
- Ha ha. Batman. - Oh?
You're a strange Albanian genius, Eivol
but you're also bit of a fool.
Don't you see, this is almost a bit too convenient?
What do you mean?
My feminine intuition tells me
I better have two strings to my bow.
The Star of Samarkand..
...it could be a typical Batman trap.
[instrumental music]
How does it look, Ms. Stonewin?
I beg your pardon?
This emerald of ours, does it look life-like?
Oh, yes, the emerald.
- Do you feel alright, ma'am? - Hmm? Oh, yes. Certainly.
It's just that I've read so often about you and Batman
in the press and well
the experience of actually viewing you in the flesh
is faintly faint-making.
Please, Ms. Stonewin, there's no reason to be disturbed.
That's right. Behind our mask, we're perfectly ordinary people.
This unique garb of ours
is one of our weapons in crime fighting.
It shouldn't bother anyone who abides by the law.
Of course.
Do forgive me.
You were saying about that synthetic emerald.
Bait, Ms. Stonewin.
Green cheese to trap a dangerous female bandit.
- We need your cooperation. - Oh, just name it, Batman.
I'll do it.
Our scheme is to conceal ourselves
somewhere on the premises.
Just upstairs.
That balcony, Batman.
Perfect. When the crook strikes, we'll pounce on our prey.
Even if she eludes us, we've still got her.
Robin's right.
The inside of the Star of Samarkand
is hollow, you see.
It contains a tiny
super-power homing transmitter.
We'll pick up the beam in our Batmobile.
You're nearly simply too much, Batman.
I hope so, Ms. Stonewin.
Too much for this crook anyway.
Robin, run outside, take a final check.
Roger.
In the street, Ms. Stonewin. Look.
'Two of Chief O'Hara's finest patrolmen'
'in the guise of power company workers.'
'And under the tent..'
...our trump card.
The Batmobile.
[intense music]
[laughing]
As I guessed, another Batman trap.
I'll have to get my hundred thousand somewhere else.
Somewhere Batman wouldn't even dream of.
And if it's games they want, they'll have 'em.
[beeping]
Do you read me, Batman?
Loud and clear.
Emerald's working. All systems go.
Alright, come back inside.
We'll hide on the balcony. Over and out.
Roger.
Traps and counter traps.
Back in the front hall of Stately Wayne Manor..
[telephone ringing]
Mr. Wayne's residence.
What?
Dick Grayson struck in the head with a batted ball?
Oh, dear. I'll get there at once.
Which playground is it?
Oh, you've already sent a special taxi to pick me up?
Why, that's very kind of you, Ms..
What did you say your name was?
Ms. Smith?
Play-playground matron.
Uh, thank you, Ms. Smith.
Thank you so much. I'll be waiting out in front.
[intense music]
It's been almost two hours.
Could we have made a mistake?
- I don't see how. - Me neither.
But still we're only human.
[indistinct chattering]
[coughing]
[intense music]
Good morning, madame.
Would you care to see the Star of Samarkand?
Ah, yes, I, uh, I would indeed, young lady.
This way please.
[indistinct chattering]
- Look. - The old lady in black.
Oh! It's amazing.
It looks almost real, doesn't it?
What?
[screaming]
[intense music]
(Batman) 'Surrender!'
(Robin) 'We've got you, bank bandit.'
Holy hole in a doughnut! What happened?
She's a master illusionist.
She projected a false image
with those tiny mirrors in her hat.
- The emerald's gone. - And so are all my customers.
Officer Clancy, alert the entire force.
Unwrap the Batmobile.
Don't worry. We'll get her.
Batman, look, in the gutter.
Fake emerald with our homing transmitter.
She threw it away.
The tricky, little she-devil.
She must have smelled our trap.
She was merely taunting us.
So what's her real game?
Hey, Batman, your Bat-phone's blinking.
[beeping]
- Batman here. - Shocking news, Batman.
Your scheme has worked, but not quite the way you planned.
- What do you mean? - Your counterfeit story.
It's driven the felon to strike again.
'Not at the Star of Samarkand. She's pulled a kidnap.'
- Who? - A Mrs. Harriet Cooper.
What?
Oh, a-a clever choice of victim, Batman.
This Mrs. Cooper is the aunt of young Dick Grayson
who's the ward of millionaire, Bruce Wayne.
Great heavens!
Has there been a ransom note?
That's the worst of it, Batman.
We've received a note with instructions
for one hundred thousand dollars
to be delivered within one hour.
One hour only.
And no one can find Bruce Wayne.
Holy backfire. What have they done to poor Aunt..
What have they done to that Mrs. Cooper?
[intense music]
Holy backfire's right!
Aunt Harriet has just one hour.
What'll it be?
Splash or salvation?
Hold a hopeful breath for Aunt Harriet
until tomorrow night.
Same Bat-time.
Same Bat-channel.
[intense music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Batman ¶