¶ Batman
(male narrator) We have previously seen a prison ball game.
The Joker threw a curve..
[intense music]
...and sprung himself.
Then a statue in the Comedians' Hall of Fame..
...turned into the real thing.
Fabulous jewel collection..
[intense music]
...saved by Batman and Robin.
Or was it?
Batman used his head.
Were they doomed?
A trick left.
Bat-gas.
But The Joker had a utility belt too.
He clowned around..
...and was unmasked.
It was a gas.
No, only sneezing powder.
Gesundheit.
The Dynamic Duo was helpless.
The Joker decided to unmask them.
The worst is yet to come.
[intense music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na-na na ¶
¶ Batman
[instrumental music]
[Joker laughing]
And now, my anonymous nemesis
let's see who you are behind that mask of yours.
[gasps]
[explosion]
Oho! A twist!
Fight water with fire.
[explosion]
[coughing]
The Joker, he's getting away!
I'll get him.
[Joker laughing]
You're trapped, Joker.
As a duly deputized agent of the law...I order you to surrender.
As the Clown Prince of Crime, I decline.
[Joker laughing]
I hope this doesn't depress you.
[Joker laughing]
[swooshing]
[Joker laughing]
It's time for you to sing a different tune
my crooked clown.
Songs are for parties, my caped copper.
[Joker laughing]
[intense music]
And so is confetti.
[Joker laughing]
So why don't you join the fun?
[Joker laughing]
I'm sorry you can't join me, my helpless hero
but I see you're tied up with other things.
[Joker laughing]
Batman! Batman!
Holy serpentine! What happened?
This time...The Joker gave the party.
Next time we'll hand out the door prizes.
Have Batman and Boy Wonder finally met their match?
Will The Joker's utility belt prove their ultimate undoing?
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
These are the questions all Gotham City
is asking itself tonight.
Have Batman and Boy Wonder finally met their match?
Will The Joker's utility belt prove their ultimate undoing?
In a filmed interview at his office today
(newsreader on TV) 'Police Commissioner Gordon had answers to these questions.'
(man on TV) 'Commissioner Gordon, have Batman and Boy Wonder'
finally met their match?
Well, let me say this, Fred, I...I'd hate to think so.
Do you think The Joker's utility belt
will prove their ultimate undoing?
Heaven help us all if it does.
Uh, amen.
(Fred on TV) 'Thus Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara'
echo the sentiments of all Gotham City.
For even as that interview is being filmed
criminals of every kind
emboldened by the Dynamic Duo's seeming impotence
'were combining to create a crime wave'
'the likes of which Gotham City has seldom seen.'
In this hour of peril and need
perhaps all our prayers are best summed up
by my small son Harold, just eight years old.
Kneeling beside his little bed
hands clasped reverently before him
he said, "God bless mommy.
"God bless daddy. God bless my dog Spot.
"And please, Batman, whoever you are behind that mask of yours
please save us."
Turn it off, Alfred.
Wait a minute.
[intense music]
(male #1 on TV) 'Hold that camera still.'
How do you focus this thing?
[hissing]
[Joker laughing]
No hard feelings, Freddie.
[sizzling]
[Joker laughing]
Places, everyone. Ha ha ha.
- Let's race to the studio. - No time for that now. Look.
(Joker on TV) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to "What's My Crime."
[Joker laughing on TV]
It seems that your inept Dynamic Duo
is having a little difficulty in figuring out
'just what my next crime will be.'
So I thought it only fair, under the circumstances
to give them a little hint. Ha ha ha.
Are you listening out there, Fatman and Boy Blunder? Ha ha.
Boy! How I'd like to top him with a punch line.
Quiet. Listen. His insane conceit may betray him.
Are your masks in place, panel?
- 'Oh, yes.' - Very well then.
Let the game commence.
Does this crime involve an article of clothing?
Right!
Like a belt maybe?
Astonishing! Right again.
It involves a belt, but there's going to be a switch.
- A switch. - An electric switch?
Wrong, panel!
[Joker laughing]
A switch, but not electric.
As you doubtless know, every wrong answer
means that we contribute one dollar
'to the famous Joker's Home For Worn Out Bats.'
- Ha ha ha. - Hey, Joker.
Cop cars on the street.
[gasps] Let's chase it.
Fatman and Boy Blunder..
...are your blindfolds in place?
Very well then, ask yourselves
what is wrong with this sentence?
He who laughs last, laughs good.
[Joker laughing]
Holy grammar! Is that all?
He who laughs last, laughs best, not good.
Best. Best! Best!
Do you suppose blindfold might have something to do with it?
Uh, if I may venture an opinion, sir
I think Master Dick may have put his finger on it.
- Blindfold? - Uh, no, sir. Grammar.
The sentence was grammatically incorrect.
One does not laugh good, sir.
One laughs well.
Why, that's it, Alfred.
Laughs well. Laughwell.
- Professor James J. Laughwell. - Holy safari!
The one that just got back from Africa with a collection
of rare masks and objects of art.
That's where the blindfold part would come in, sir.
And they're being stored at the Last Longer Warehouse.
To the Batmobile.
[intense music]
[tires screeching]
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
We'll use the Bat-rope and take them by surprise. Stand clear.
[swooshing]
No matter what, we mustn't fail this time, Robin.
Sometimes I think people expect too much of us, Batman.
They have a right to expect it.
But we're only human.
All too true.
We only have so much to give.
Try to explain that to little Harold
kneeling beside his bed saying his prayers.
[dramatic music]
[Joker laughing]
[glass shattering]
Stand and fight, Joker.
[thwacking]
[dramatic music]
[Joker laughing]
(Joker) Let us away! Let us away!
[Joker laughing]
[explosion]
[crackling]
[firecrackers whistling]
Holy Fourth of July! What's this?
[Joker laughing]
(Joker) 'This was just the curtain-raiser.'
'Next time you'll get the real showstopper.'
[Joker laughing]
That's not your belt.
No. It's a clever replica of The Joker's utility belt.
He must've slipped it on me during the struggle.
Then when you thought you were stopping him
with your utility belt, he was really stopping us with his!
That tricky devil!
He's hit us below the belt!
Golly.
What do you suppose little Harold's going to think now?
"Crime wave grows!"
"Police powerless!"
"Batman and Robin foiled again!"
"The Joker is wild!"
(Robin) 'All the same.'
"The Joker is wild!"
"Batman and Robin foiled again!"
Holy headlines! We look like page one dumbbells!
Too true, Robin, the responsibility of the press
is to report the truth despite what it might do to our image.
Our main concern is to a frightened public
whom we seem to be failing.
Gosh, you're right.
I can't help thinking of only myself. I'm sorry.
Well, it's okay, chum, we all
have the right to be selfish sometimes.
- Nothing? - Not so far.
But we do know that giggling thief's about to pounce again.
What was it that he said in the warehouse?
"Next time you'll get the real showstopper."
Exactly! Showstopper.
Show.
Another telecast.
I think you're off the beam, Robin.
The Joker's too shrewd a customer
to hurl such an obvious clue.
Of course.
But I can't help thinking
he slipped up somewhere.
Perhaps he's about to.
- What do you mean? - Look at it this way, Robin.
He's terrorized Gotham City
he's baffled the police department
and he's held us up to public ridicule.
- True. - Gloating on his own success.
He may be planning some super crime
and stumble on his own pride.
How do we go about stopping him?
Just go about our normal routine..
...and let the venomous viper trap himself.
And when he does..
[snaps fingers] Snap!
- Caught in a Bat-trap! - Right.
What is it, chum?
Oh, the... the launch tomorrow.
What about it?
I dread facing all those people.
We can't disappoint Commissioner Gordon
and we have to make an appearance to snare that devil.
I see what you mean.
I just wish I knew what The Joker is plotting right now!
A scheme to trap that grinning devil.
Meantime let's get back to the utility belt he planted.
[Joker laughing]
[laughing]
Everything's set.
The plan is perfect.
Jeez, it'll be like a dream come true.
Cruising the world in our own private luxury ocean yacht.
Are you sure Batman won't get in our way?
That's right, Joker, we may got him down
but we ain't got him out.
You fools! Have little faith.
I swear by every fiend of felonious fundom
tomorrow all opposition from the Dynamic Duo will stop!
I've got the stopper right here.
The last stopper.
- What is it, Joker? - It's just a cork.
A cork, yes.
But not just a cork.
Queenie, get me the bottle of champagne.
[laughing]
How are you gonna stop Batman with that?
You gonna get him drunk?
[pops]
[Joker laughing]
Here, Queenie, you know what to do with this now.
Tomorrow night, champagne for everybody!
[Joker laughing]
What's this?
Batman and Robin done in
by a bottle of champagne?
Impossible!
[instrumental music]
I don't know what could be keeping Bruce Wayne
but we just can't hold this up any longer.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to present
the two people who will christen the S.S. Gotham.
They hardly need an introduction.
Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.
[all clapping]
What are you two guys doing out here
when The Joker is out there taking over the city?
[ship horn blowing]
Uh, sorry about that, Batman.
Forget about it. Let's get on with the christening, shall we?
Okay. Who, uh, who's got the champagne?
- Here you are, commissioner. - Well, thank you, my dear.
The best French champagne.
There you are.
1949.
A very good year.
Something...something wrong, Batman?
No, no, it's nothing at all.
I...I just feel a slight headache coming on.
Perhaps one of these tablets..
You better take one too, Robin, it might be contagious.
Well, gee, Batman, I never heard of a headache being--
(Batman) Doctor's orders, chum.
Let me get this out of your way.
I hereby christen the S.S. Gotham City.
[shatters]
[Joker laughing]
[indistinct chattering]
[Joker laughing]
Queenie, the switch.
[laughing continues]
You're on the air, Joker.
[laughing]
(Joker on TV) Good-day. Good-day.
Once more we interrupt your regularly scheduled program.
This is The Joker speaking from his secret hideout.
[Joker laughing on TV]
(Joker on TV) I have an amusing message for the directors
of the Gotham Steamship Lines.
My terms, deliver me title to the S.S. Gotham or else..
...or else this whimsical scene once part of a waxwork museum
will be reenacted in front your eyes
with the most hideous reality.
[Joker laughing]
You understand, dear fellow citizens of Gotham City?
I get the S.S. Gotham
or your precious Dynamic Duo gets launched...to eternity!
[Joker laughing]
Wrong, Joker! You get launched!
Right back to the pen where you belong!
Egads! What sorcery is this?
There was enough paralyzing gas in that cork
to keep ordinary men unconscious for hours.
No sorcery.
Merely the precaution of a universal drug antidote pill.
You've tripped on one of your tricks this time, Joker!
That replica of your utility belt was too exact.
We analyzed the cork in it and found...paralyzing gas!
I just happened to notice the seal around the cork
in that bottle of champagne was not discolored with age.
Odd in a 1949 vintage.
[intense music]
[explosion]
[music continues]
[thwacking]
[firecracker whistling]
[explosion]
It's back to prison walls for you, Joker.
Ba-a-a!
[laughing]
[sighs]
I'm afraid you're under arrest, ma'am.
Couldn't we talk it over, handsome?
[handcuffs rattling]
Poor deluded child.
(Fred on TV) 'So with The Joker's capture'
'Gotham City's worst crime wave in history has come to an end.'
Tonight, once more, we can all sleep peacefully in our beds
secure in the knowledge that, as I assured my small son Harold
just eight years old, "Yes, Harold," I said.
"There is a Batman... and Robin the Boy Wonder."
(man on TV) 'After a word from our sponsor'
'Fred will return with more news of The Joker.'
It's time for your piano lesson, Dick.
Aw, gee, Aunt Harriet, I wanna hear about The Joker.
The Joker?
Bruce Wayne, I'm surprised at you.
Allowing a boy Dick's age to listen to such sordid goings on.
Now you march yourself straight over to that piano, young man.
Golly G-minor, Bruce, do I have to?
Who am I to oppose your Aunt Harriet?
I doubt whether even Batman would wanna take that job on.
[Alfred clears throat]
I'll get you some
milk and cookies, Master Dick.
Thanks a lot, Alfred. I can always count on you.
[instrumental music]
Next week, Batman versus Mr. Freeze.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na-na na-na na-na na-na na
¶ Batman