¶ Batman
(male narrator) Gotham State Penitentiary
one of the states busier locations.
On the surface an institution of mortar and stone
steel bars and rigid discipline
but as we have seen before
Warden Crichton's advanced theories of penology
make it a place where recreation is part of reform.
And entertainment plays an important role in con-tainment.
[laughing]
(male #1) 'Strike one.'
[indistinct chattering]
Swing!
Strike two!
Alright, come on, Hank.
Alright, Joker baby, fire it at me, baby. Fire it at me.
Swing!
Alright, fellas. Alright fellas.
Alright, this is strike three!
You know, I got to hand it to your boss Warden Crichton.
He's done a remarkable job with The Joker.
Yes, he's brought modern penology a long way, chief.
I never thought I'd see the day when the likes of him
would be content to play baseball
rather than plotting a prison-break.
[laughing]
'Toss it up there. Come on.'
[indistinct chattering]
[Joker laughing]
(male #2) 'Alright, come on, Hank.'
- Swing! - You're out!
You know, that's the one true joy in the warden's life.
The rehabilitation of a hardened criminal.
It warms his heart.
Swing!
Alright, come on, Hank.
Attaway, baby. Attaway.
[indistinct shouting]
Alright, Joker. This is the one.
Fire it, baby.
[intense music]
Alright, batter. Be here this time. Be here, batter.
(male #1) 'Come on, baby. Fire it at me. Fire it at me.'
[explosion]
Great Scott! Right over the wall!
The devil, he's sprunghimself.
Sprung? You can say that again.
The Joker?
Sprung from the pen?
(O'Hara) 'Right under our noses commissioner.'
'He got clean away.'
Well, get back as fast as you can, Chief O'Hara.
If it is The Joker that we're up against
that Clown Prince of Crime..
...there's only one man who can handle this.
I don't have to tell you who.
Sorry, inspector, don't have the time, make it later.
[beeping]
And in Wayne Manor stately residence
of millionaire Bruce Wayne and his young ward Dick Grayson.
[piano music]
[beeping]
I'll call him, sir.
[music continues]
I'm afraid you're going to have
to practice more diligently, Dick.
You're just not making any progress with Chopin.
Gee whiz, Aunt Harriet
what's so important about Chopin?
All music is important, Dick.
It's the universal language.
One of our best hopes for the eventual realization
of the brotherhood of man.
Gosh, Bruce, yes. You're right.
I'll practice harder from now on.
[clears throat]
Your-your snack, Master Dick.
Oh, thank you, Alfred.
[piano music]
Bat-phone, sir.
We'd better leave if we're gonna make it to that ball game.
Holy cofax, you mean..
I mean, I didn't know it was getting so late, Bruce.
Ball game, indeed.
I don't know what I'm going to do with that boy, Alfred.
He just doesn't seem to have any appreciation
for the finer things in life.
No need, madam.
What is it, commissioner? The Joker?
- Not him again. - How soon can you get here?
Quick as a flash, commissioner.
To the Bat-poles.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[intense music]
[tires screeching]
Gigantic coil spring secretly fashioned in
the prison machine shop.
- Holy Jack-in-the-box! - Exactly, Boy Wonder.
Propelled him out before the astonished guards
could get a shot at him.
Ingenious. Only The Joker would think of that.
You searched the area outside?
Sure thing, we did
and found nothing but the net he landed in.
But inside at the base of that spring they discovered this.
A good likeness.
A good likeness but a bad joke.
Laughing at us for letting him get away.
(Batman) 'It might be more than a joke, Chief O'Hara.'
Batman's right. It could be a clue.
A clue?
Sure. The crime wave he's plotting.
But why would he leave you a clue, Batman?
He might not mean to.
It's a trait of the criminal mind the urge to boast.
It often leads to the criminals giving himself away.
A bust mounted on a pedestal.
(Batman) 'A bust.'
'A pedestal.'
Where does one usually find a bust mounted on a pedestal?
- In a museum. - Right. Or in a hall of fame.
- Or in both! - Exactly.
A perfect set up for one of The Joker's jolly crimes.
I don't understand, Batman.
This very day the Gotham Museum of Modern Art
opened a new exhibit.
A comedians Hall of Fame.
I read in the paper, they were not going to include The Joker.
Just the thing to make him want to get even.
Of course.
The museum also houses a fabulous jewel collection.
Oh, chief, why didn't we think of that?
Me hats off to you, Batman.
Save the compliments, Chief O'Hara.
Our job has just begun.
Come on, Robin. We've got a date at the Gotham Museum.
[intense music]
[theme music]
[tires screeching]
Oh, there he is. It's Robin, the Boy Wonder!
Oh, my God!
That's okay, Batman. Don't worry.
Thanks, officer.
Police emergency, clear the museum.
We think there may be a daring crime plotted.
Yes. Yes, of course.
Strange. Look.
(Robin) 'The Joker.'
He's included in the Comedians Hall of Fame after all.
Maybe the paper made a mistake.
Or else..
[dinging on PA]
(male on PA) 'Attention ladies and gentlemen..'
...the museum is now closing for the day.
We will reopen tomorrow at ten o'clock.
'Move promptly to the exits, please.'
You were saying, Batman, "Or else.."
I don't know.
Museum officials could've heard about The Joker's prison-break
and hastily included him.
Sure. So as not to enrage him into stealing the jewels.
Or else, this whole thing could be a trick
to divert us from his real intentions.
Holy red herring!
How will we find out?
Let's look up the director of the museum.
What's the matter, Batman?
No, it's nothing, for a second there I could've sworn
I saw that statue move.
Sure looks lifelike.
It's almost as if I could hear that
hateful Harley Quinn laughing.
Come on, let's find the director.
Quick, where do we find the director?
The administrative annex.
Entrance next door, Batman.
Thanks. Sorry about the early closing.
Lock it up good. The Joker's on the loose.
Don't worry about him getting in here, Batman. No, sir.
Once I get these doors locked, the museum is burglarproof.
No one could break into it.
Come on, Robin.
Ready to lock up, Mr. Hovis.
Coming.
[laughing]
Come, my comic cohorts in crime.
[laughing]
Come, Oliver.
Come, Stanley.
Come, Ernie.
[Joker laughing]
W.C. Fields, come.
[laughing]
Come, my puckish partners in plunder.
Batman has been outwitted
and the fabulous jewel collection is ours.
[instrumental music]
Strange. No answer. I wonder.
What is it, Batman?
Something that guard said.
All he said was that the museum was burglarproof.
Yes, but then he added something else.
He said, no one could break into it..
Holy stuffing!
Exactly, Robin.
That doesn't mean that someone couldn't..
(together) Break out!
- Guard! Guard! - Smash the lock.
[mechanical whirring]
[laughing]
Oh, how delicious it is.
The Joker outwits Batman
and steals the fabulous jewel collection
right out from under his nose.
Oh, my playful pilfering pals.
How delicious it is.
We hate to sound a sour note, Joker.
But it's time for us to make our own collection.
Destroy them!
[dramatic music]
[Joker laughing]
Watch out, Batman.
Batman!
[Joker laughing]
We have two more jewels for our collection.
My comic cronies.
Batman and Robin, the dashing diamonds of derring-do.
Come, my funny fellows.
We've got a little diamond cutting to do.
Is Batman to become just another jewel
in the Clown Prince's crown?
[laughing]
Here's a joke on you, you fiend.
It's the gasser.
This is the end of your evil career.
That cursed utility belt again.
[coughs]
I swear by all that's funny
I shall never be fooled by that insidious
unconstitutional device again.
Two heads for the price of one.
[coughing]
Could this be a threat? Will The Joker keep his vow?
Can he?
How?
Gotham Pier Amusement Park.
What more appropriate place to find the hideout of The Joker?
Never again will Batman have the advantage over me
with that utility belt of his.
No, never again will that ghastly girdle thwart my plans.
For I, the Clown Prince of Crime
have found the answer to it.
- What is it, Joker? - My own utility belt.
Gee, terrific.
- Can I try it-- - Hands off, you fool.
It is for me, only.
Me, your merry master.
It's secrets are my precious property.
What does it do, Joker?
Everything.
It's my Aladdin's lamp.
Gee, can I make a wish on it?
Do, my pretty!
Gee, I'd like a million bucks.
- A sable wrap-- - Oh, common place.
A two-week ocean cruise?
Extraordinary.
What, Joker?
Just the thing.
The most astonishing coup anyone ever pulled.
Queenie, quick, get me that newspaper.
Here you are, Joker.
S.S. Gotham.
The new super luxury liner
going to be launched this Saturday. Yes!
Gosh, you think you could use your utility belt to, uh
get me a cruise on the S.S. Gotham.
A cruise? Mere petty pilfering.
I'll get you the whole ship!
- What? - The whole ship?
- How, Joker? - Ah! First steps first.
Our old nemesis Batman.
- 'He'll try to stop us.' - Exactly. Exactly.
We must first eliminate Batman from the scene.
[laughing]
Since you're the majority stockholder in
Gotham shipping lines, Bruce, I hope you'd be pleased
to hear that I've arranged for Batman and the Boy Wonder
to christen the S.S. Gotham when she's launched on Saturday.
[glass shattering]
What is it, commissioner? What does it mean?
It looks like a clown doll to me.
(Gordon) 'It's that chap on the chicanery again.'
(O'Hara) 'The Joker.'
Could he be subconsciously pointing toward his next crime?
Maybe he's gonna rob the circus.
Oh, no, no, no. The circus left town last week.
(Gordon) 'Batman should know about this immediately.'
[beeping]
I'm sorry, commissioner, but Batman is out for the day.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'll leave word that you called.
He's not there.
What are we to do now, commissioner?
I don't know. I just don't know.
Well, don't worry. I'm sure the police department can handle it.
Dick and I are already late for that Chopin concert.
If you need anything, please let us know.
Yes, I'll do that, Bruce.
Oh, by the way, it may sound strange but..
...I wonder if I could keep that doll for a souvenir.
- Any use for it, O'Hara? - Hmm, not for me.
The sooner we get this out of headquarters
the better I like it.
With our compliments, Bruce.
A souvenir of your narrow brush with crime.
Thank you, commissioner.
We're already late for the concert
but if you need us for anything just let us know.
Huh? A fat lot of help he'd be against someone like The Joker.
Oh, he's a good man Bruce Wayne.
But not even all his money could buy us another Batman.
Gosh! Nothing but perfectly ordinary dust patterns.
I'm disappointed alright.
I'd hope for some clue to the location of his secret hideout.
Think it's worth checking for secret writing?
No, I hardly think so.
That's not The Joker's way of working.
Why did The Joker throw the doll through the window?
What was the point of it?
- I think I've got it. - You have, Batman?
What other kind of clown is there besides a circus clown?
I'll give you a hint, tonight, there's gonna be a live telecast
of the Gotham City opera company.
Golly, Batman, I still don't get it.
They're performing a certain celebrated Italian opera.
Holy ravioli!
Your warm.
(together) Pagliacci!
[singing in foreign language]
[singing continues]
That's beautiful.
I-I always..
I always loved that song.
Melancholy, baby.
[laughing]
[crowd clapping]
Joker!
[crowd screaming]
[laughing]
It's my mother-in-law.
[sneezes]
They-they shouldn't be out with those colds.
[laughing]
And now people of Gotham City
the moment you have all been waiting for.
The grande finale.
The climax of my performance.
The zenith of my career!
[laughing]
The unmasking of Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder.
Could this mean curtains?
Will the identities of our Dynamic Duo be
revealed to the whole world?
Is this the end of their career as crime-fighters?
Can they avert disaster?
Answers, tomorrow.
Same Bat-time.
Same Bat-channel.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na
¶ Batman