¶ Batman
(male narrator) Just before 9 o' clock
on a bright sunny morning in Gotham City.
The city seems to be carefree and serene, doesn't it?
But let's keep our eyes on these little rascals.
Alright folks, listen on. Hurry, hurry.
Here you are. Free umbrellas. Win yourself a prize.
Win yourself a prize on the inside.
These umbrellas are free.
You can't win a prize without an umbrella.
Hurry folks, hurry.
That's strange, everyone carrying umbrellas.
The weather report didn't mention rain.
Who cares, Jenkins? It looks like a smash.
- Open the door. - Yes, sir.
[clamor]
Wait until they open them umbrellas.
They say there are prizes for lucky umbrellas.
I smell a hoax, Jenkins.
Devilish. Sinister.
[screaming]
[clamor]
Police! Help! Police! Help! Police!
[dramatic music]
A trick umbrella.
As sure as a fingerprint.
The mark of the Penguin.
Correct, Chief O'Hara. The Penguin.
That pompous, waddling master of foul play.
A criminal maestro of a thousand ubiquitous umbrellas.
But I thought he was still up the river, commissioner.
So did I.
Until I checked with the penitentiary.
The Penguin was released three days ago.
Any volunteers, men?
Anyone think he's smart enough to net the Penguin?
Oh, commissioner, I speak for us all.
There's but one man living
who can throw the net over that cagey bird.
Thank you, Chief O'Hara. I admire your honesty.
And I make it unanimous.
Whoever he may be behind that mask of his
our only hope is the caped crusader.
And in Wayne Manor
stately home of millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward Dick Grayson
Alfred the faithful butler responds to the hotline.
I'll summon him, sir.
[speaking in French]
Oh, heck. What's the use of learning French anyway?
Dick, I'm surprised at you.
Language is the key to world peace.
If we all spoke each others' tongues
perhaps the scourge of war would be ended forever.
Gosh, Bruce, yes. I'll get these darn verbs if they kill me.
Excuse me, sir. It's the bat-phone, sir.
Yes, Alfred.
Ooh, boy. Let's go.
Mercy me, Dick Grayson.
Where are you going in such an almighty hurry?
'Gosh, Aunt Harriet, we just heard'
'the bass are biting again in White's pond.'
See ya later, Aunt Harriet.
What can I do, Aunt Harriet?
You know how your nephew is about fishing.
That's funny.
Heard the bass are biting? Heard from whom?
I cannot tell a lie, madam.
It was myself who imparted the information.
Yes, commissioner?
Brace yourself for a shock. It's the Penguin.
We'll be right there.
To the bat-poles.
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na
¶ Batman
[engine revving]
[theme music]
Strange.
The umbrellas all went mad
creating the perfect cover for a holdup.
And yet there was no holdup, right?
Right as rain, Batman.
The Penguin had everything set up and then didn't strike.
The old one-two.
Beg pardon, Boy Wonder?
Bam! A feint at the jewelry store.
To set us up for the real knockout later on. Zowie!
Robin could be right.
Then again..
I wonder if this whole affair might just have been
'a harmless practical joke.'
A joke, Batman?
I have great faith in our prison system, commissioner.
Perhaps the Penguin's spell up the river has made him reform.
You're dreaming, Batman.
It'll be a sad day for corkscrews
'when that crooked bird goes straight.'
Still. I'd like to know what his state of mind was
when he left prison.
Bonnie, send in Warden Crichton, will you?
Warden Crichton? Of state prison? Here?
I anticipated your question, Batman.
I had him rushed down by helicopter.
Good morning, good morning.
Warden Crichton, good to see you.
Warden, the dynamic duo.
- Pleased, I'm sure. - The honor is ours, Warden.
I've long been a deep admirer of your fine work
in reforming criminals.
Well, we've had our little victories.
Our little failures too, alas.
How would you rate the Penguin?
I'll let you judge that for yourself, Batman.
- Indeed. - Judge for myself?
By means of video tape.
It's one of my new progressive policies, you see.
Before releasing a felon, I assign him to a special cell
into which is built a secret television camera.
It enables us to study the extent
to which he's reformed, if any.
Warden, you didn't forget the tape?
I took the liberty of leaving it
at your communications center when I arrived.
They're waiting for your signal, Commissioner Gordon.
Roll Warden Crichton's video tape on the closed circuit.
Holy haberdashery!
That can't be regulation prison uniform, can it?
It's another of my progressive policies, Boy Wonder.
During the last week before release I permit the prisoners
to wear their own clothing.
It helps acclimate them to the outside world.
Sound penology, Warden. Very sound.
Listen! The baleful bird is about to chirp.
How irritating. Here I am due to be released tomorrow
and I still haven't worked out one single crime
worthy of my talents.
My whole stay in this disgusting prison is wasted.
Yeah. Well, that's the way it bounces, Penguin.
Some years are just a blind spot out of a guy's life.
Hey, wait a minute. My mother-in-law.
'She owns a candy store.'
You could always knock that over if you wanna.
What? A candy store?
I'm an aristocrat of crookery, my dear man.
No, I must devise something royal, unsuspected, sensational.
A keeper that'll make that Batman blow his brains out.
'Yeah, that Batman.'
'He's sure some kind of pest, ain't he?'
Say, do you ever stop to think, Penguin..
If only the Batman was a crook instead of a law guy.
'Boy, oh, boy.'
'We'd turn his world inside out.'
What did you say?
Oh, I was just thinking out loud, Penguin.
I said, if only the Batman was like us, a crook.
Wait. Wait!
Thoughts swingin'.
Oh, great heavenly sunshades.
I have it! It's fantastical scheme.
It's hatched full blown.
U-day.
U for Umbrella day.
Oh, what a dazzling plot.
Hold it, Penguin, hold it. Look up there.
Behind that phony spider web.
Ooh, yes.
Secret TV eyes..
Well, goodnight, big brother.
Yes, I'm afraid you'll have to unravel the rest of my plot
by yourself!
Any thoughts, Batman?
On the whole, I think we'd better discard my theory
about the Penguin's going straight.
Where did I go wrong?
Why did my progressive policies fail?
With an attitude like his
I'm amazed he was turned loose at all.
Uh, Warden. Ours is a rule of law, Boy Wonder.
When a man has paid his debt to society, he must be released.
Gosh, yes. That was a pretty dumb remark of mine.
Don't fret about it, old man.
The important thing is to get on the Penguins trail fast.
I'll put out a four points Bulletin.
Wait. I've got a better idea.
'Yes?'
The Penguin told us on that secret tape.
Whatever his dazzling plot is, it involves umbrellas.
- So, he'll need a front. - Right.
Quickly, commissioner, send for the city records.
Let's find out if anyone's opened an umbrella factory
in the last three days.
Three new umbrella factories.
None of them unfortunately, in the name of Penguin.
It's a dead end.
Could he be using an alias?
Good thinking, Robin.
Chief, read me the names of those umbrella factory licenses.
Here's RL Howard, KG Bird, EP Sherlock.
Bird?
K-G Bird.
Cagey bird!
The Penguin! Get it?
Get it? Why, it's practically transparent.
Address. 196 West, Seventh Avenue.
Let's go.
Meanwhile, atop the umbrella factory
we find the sinister secret headquarters
of the rascally penguin and his fine feathered finks.
[laughs]
The most fantastic gimmick in my whole criminal career.
Yeah.
Hmm, now, I wonder what time it is.
At the signal the time will be precisely 11:56.
[quacking]
Now, Hawkeye, give the go ahead to swoop at the bank.
Okay, boss.
Maybe, I'm dumb, Penguin, but I don't dig this caper.
Oh, it's very simple, my little gosling.
I'm going to unleash the most bizarre, senseless
barrage of umbrellas onto Gotham City.
It'll be senseless to everybody, but the Batman.
Whose keen mind will unquestionably
piece together the clues to my crime.
Well, what crime?
What the heck are you planning?
Nothing.
Nothing?
What do you mean, nothing?
I am planning nothing.
The Batman's gonna do that for me.
The Batman's not only going to pick my crime
he is going to provide me with a blueprint
as to how I should pull it off.
Are you sure you haven't gone stir crazy?
Why, you, birdbrain.
How dare you mock me on the eve of my greatest triumph.
Do you really mean the Batman's gonna plan our caper?
Yes, my fine feathered finks.
It's a little plot I hatched in prison.
Wait and see.
The Batman and the Penguin
are going to be partners in plunder.
What's that?
Batman and the Penguin partners in plunder?
Someone must have flipped his fine feathered wig.
[bat-phone ringing]
Yes, commissioner?
A patrolman had just called in.
There's another man giving away free umbrellas, Boy Wonder.
Outside the bank, at Jefferson and 12th.
Roger.
Bank. Jefferson and 12th.
Hold tight. Bat-turn.
Stay calm, citizens.
Give us your umbrellas, quickly.
Robin, officer, gather the umbrellas
put them in that large wire basket.
Cover the basket with the asbestos pad, officer.
[cackling]
Strange. There's no one heading for the door.
True. And they don't look like gangsters.
But it's just like the jewelry shop.
A perfect setup and no robbery.
What in heck is the Penguin's game?
I don't know. But more than ever I want to have a chat
with that cagey little bird.
"Senseless bank caper completed. Batman on way."
Signed Swoop.
I'll just send in [indistinct]
Take this and attach it to the handle
of the decoy in the launcher.
Wait for my signal.
[chimes jingling]
What's the plot, Penguin?
Oh, the dynamic duo. Such distinguished customers.
May I show you my humble wares.
We're not here to buy umbrellas and you know it.
Spread your wings, Mr. KG Bird.
We're flying you down to headquarters.
On what charge, Boy Wonder?
Illegal umbrellas.
Assault and battery, disturbing the peace.
We've got enough to put you back on ice, Penguin.
Oh, tut-tut, Batman.
I only make the umbrellas.
What they do after they leave here is hardly my affair.
Now, is it?
A tricky little creature.
He's right.
Darn it! Not a thing to hold him on.
- Yet. - Beg pardon?
Were you saying something?
You've outsmarted us this time, Penguin.
But don't get too confident.
We know you're up to some super-crime.
'And we're going to watch you.'
[laughs]
[quacking]
[rumbling]
Better warn the bystanders.
Right.
Back everyone. Back!
Take cover! It could be explosive.
- Wow! - Curious.
It looks like an ordinary umbrella except
for it's unusual size.
Look up there, Batman! Hanging from the handle.
I bet my life on it, Robin
this could be a clue to the Penguin's game.
- Only how to get at it? - Easy. I'll use the bat-rope.
You run around, grab the edge of this huge umbrella, study it.
Roger.
Careful, Batman. Easy does it.
This is a tricky one alright.
Careful!
I got it.
Look. There's a silver plaque on the handle.
"Special bat-brella. Compliments of K. G. Bird."
Maker of superior umbrellas.
It's a clue alright.
- But what does it mean? - To the bat-cave.
We'll analyze it.
Carry on, officers.
[theme music]
- Alfred! - Sir?
Be careful.
Not to worry, Master Robin.
The safety lock is operative.
Don't worry about Alfred, old man.
- Let's get to this bat-brella. - Right.
I'll give you a bit of fabric.
I'll take a rib.
Any luck with that fabric?
Negative. No secret writing of any sort.
It's the same with my section of the rib.
This bat-brella's made of perfectly ordinary
chrome magnesium alloy.
The Penguin sure must be having a laugh, Batman.
He's given us a clue to his plot and we can't solve it.
If only we had some way of spying on him.
Well, that's it, Robin.
You've done it again.
- No kidding? - Look, listen.
'Electronic bugging devices.'
A perfect, lifelike spider.
Right. Only it's not a spider.
It's a tiny microphone
'with a built-in super power transmitter.'
Exactly. I'm going to take it..
...and drop it in the Penguin's shop.
We'll listen in to his crooked scheming.
It's a great idea, Batman, but..
...how'll you get away with planting it?
Won't he be on guard against you?
Of course. He'll be on guard against Batman.
That's why I'm going to visit his shop as Bruce Wayne.
Good day, sir. Can I help you, sir?
- I hope so, Mr. Bird. - Mm-hmm.
I'm looking for an artisan
to repair this fine old umbrella.
It belonged to my late father.
Oh, yes, quality goods, I can tell at a glance.
Just let me study it for a moment, please.
Oh, please. By all means.
[alarm blaring]
Well, it's fortunate that I equipped my shop
with an automatic anti-bugging machine.
- Who is he, Boss? - I have no idea.
Some rival umbrella king, perhaps.
Trying to steal my precious secrets.
It's a clear case of industrial espionage.
Why, the wretched, blundering fool.
See this.
But whoever he is, one thing is certain.
I can't afford to have him snooping around here today.
Today of all days
when I'm about to deal Batman his greatest blow.
The river, boss?
No, the furnace.
The tempering furnace.
Where we forge the umbrella ribs.
Take him away, my fine feathered finks.
And arrange a fatal accident.
Without witnesses.
Pull the net down real tight.
Done.
- Ain't it a shame? - Ain't what a shame?
Ain't it a shame it ain't the Batman.
[chuckles]
[intense music]
Oh, the irony of it.
The horror!
The flaming end of the caped crusader.
Can Bruce possibly escape?
For Batman's sake!
Keep your bat fingers crossed until tomorrow.
Same time! Same channel!
[theme music]
¶ Batman
¶ Na na na na na na na na
¶ Batman